eSarcasm Banned From App Store, China

We regret to report that eSarcasm has been banned from both Apple’s App Store and the People’s Republic of China. We received word from both entities this week.

The bannings come as a result of our recent story entitled “Apple, China to Collectively Oppress with iPhone Deal.” The story, a satirical look at the parallels between Apple’s and China’s Communist regimes, detailed plans for the upcoming iPhone launch in China. Among its assertions was the pending development of several new China-specific iPhone apps, including:

• iLove the Government: A mandatory app that runs semihourly, whether you activate it or not. Based on Apple’s “iLove Steve Jobs” app, which will be built into the upcoming Snow Leopard release.
• The Little White Book: Inspirational work mixes wisdom from Chairman Mao with new aphorisms from Chairman Steve, such as “Only running dog imperialists use Windows” and “Power comes at the end of a user license agreement.”
• iMade This iPhone: Available for all surviving factory workers to express their anguish pride.

Neither the Chinese government nor the Apple dictatorship, seemingly, was amused. In a joint notification sent to eSarcasm LLC via e-mail, the entities stated the following:

Your story makes Apple look like an overrated Communist regime. This duplicates the functionality already present in all Apple products and actions, which may lead to user confusion. Plus, we really don’t like you guys. Consider yourselves permanently rejected, suckers.

你是一个非常糟糕的人。我们阻止你的计算机中。如果你来我们国家，我们报名参加奥运会体操训练营的孩子。

(Rough translation: “You are very bad man. We block you from Chinese computer. If you come to our nation, we enroll your children in gymnast boot camp.”)

eSarcasm principals JR Raphael and Dan Tynan declined to comment directly on the decision, expressing instead only optimism about the future.

“We will continue to work to bring our services to iPhone users — for example, by taking advantage of advances in pornography peddling,” Tynan explained.

“Hey, you want to go get some nachos?” Raphael added.

The FCC was reportedly going to investigate the eSarcasm banning and whether it involved Apple and China using their dominant positions to stifle innovation. They then, however, read this story (“New FCC ‘S&M Kit’ to Block Sex, Violence From Teens”) and told Dan and JR to go fuck themselves.

eSarcasm opens the kimono, shows its dangly bits

Here at eSarcasm, The Website That Cares Deeply About Each and Every One of You ™, we’re tingling with excitement. Why? Because beginning Monday, August 3, we will be officially launched unto the world.

We’re practically wetting ourselves (technically, JR has already wet himself, but that’s a separate medical issue I’d rather not get into right now). It’s been a long hard struggle to get the site in shape for its grand opening, and we can’t believe the Big Day is finally here.

FYI, here’s the release we sent out to a *select group* of mainstream media and the blogerati:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

eSarcasm Unleashes Snark 2.0

New geek humor site reboots blogosphere, changes Net as we know it

Do you tweet too much? Have you recently added “social media guru” to your resume? Do you believe in a literal interpretation of TechCrunch? Then you will probably hate eSarcasm, a site devoted to mockery of all things tech.

On August 3 a new era will dawn in the history of the Web, when eSarcasm (“Geek Humor Gone Wild”) is officially foisted upon an unsuspecting world.

eSarcasm is the bastard offspring brainchild of award-winning journalists Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, who’ve spent years chronicling high-tech foibles for PC World, C|NET, Wired News, Popular Science, and other publications too embarrassed to be named here.

Tynan and Raphael are staking what’s left of their reputations on puncturing Web 2.0 windbags, skewering weird science, and making fun of everything else that crosses their virtual desks, from mindless Internet memes to brain-dead press releases.

Only on eSarcasm will you find the following:

* 25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know: Quick, what does IICDTINLTH stand for? Read our helpful guide, and even your own kids might start to respect you.

* iWant iPorn: 7 Adult-Themed Apps We’d Love to See: These don’t exist yet, but we’d build them if we knew Jack about programming.

* CrunchPad to Include ‘AutoRumor’ and ‘AlwaysRight’ Technology: Device to emulate real experience of reading TechCrunch, complete with egotistical rants and extreme irritation.

* Interview With the Spermatazoa: We get up close and personal with world’s first artificially created male genome, Ivy Dee.

“We intend to spread our message of geeky sarcasm to all four corners of the globe, a phrase that only makes sense if you believe Earth is shaped like a pool table,” says Tynan.

“They said it couldn’t be done,” adds Raphael. “Well, actually they said it shouldn’t be done. But screw ’em, we’re doing it anyway.”

What the Critics Are Saying About eSarcasm*:

“Light and refreshing, with a delightful minty aftertaste.” — David Pogue, New York Times

“This site would be really funny if it didn’t look like crap on my iPhone.” — Walt Mossberg, AllThingsD

“Who the hell are these guys?” — Michael Arrington, TechCrunch

*Hey, we can dream, can’t we?

For more about eSarcasm LLC, visit eSarcasm’s “About” page, or stop by the official company blog at https://esarcasmblog.wordpress.com/

For information, interviews, syndication opportunities, or more smartass commentary contact:

press@esarcasm.com

Dan Tynan 910.795.2357
JR Raphael 213.254.5030

If you received this release, it means you are very VERY special to us, and we hope you will write many nice things about us in the days to come. If you don’t, that’s OK too. Just don’t expect any invitations to soirees on our private island when we become gazillionaires. This isn’t a charity gig, you know.