Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Yes, of course it was a hoax. Duh.

September 23, 2011

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Is Alternately All Things To All People and Nothing to No One ™, admits that it has perpetrated a hoax upon the world. Co-founder Dan Tynan did not actually leave the blog, despite his needlessly melodramatic public resignation one week ago.

It was all a carefully planned hoax designed to drive traffic to our annual eRupt Conference, held at the Holiday Inn’s Pocahontas Room in beautiful Alachua, Florida.

We invested significant coin in that conference. We bought a six-foot deli sandwich and an entire case of Seagrams Tahitian Sunset Wine Coolers for this thing, and we’d have been totally screwed if nobody else showed up.

We apologize to any readers who were fooled, flummoxed, bewitched, bamboozled or deeply aroused by the hoax.

Advertisements

eSarcasm: One year forward, many steps back

August 2, 2010

One year ago today, the InterWebs was changed forever.

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Longs to Pleasure You In Ways You’ve Never Imagined ™, officially opened its kimono and displayed its wares to the world exactly 365 days ago. Over that time our snarky band of jokesters have produced more than 700 articles, entertained more than 1 million visitors, generated 2 million page views, and earned more than $37 in advertising revenue.

Even we are fucking impressed by this.

Along the way we’ve garnered numerous accolades, including:

“… tasteless, occasionally hilarious, but mostly tasteless…”

“…not for the easily offended or those with sensitive stomachs…”

“… a new low in Internet humor…”

and

“…I can’t believe no one has sued your asses yet…”

(That last one came from our attorney, who is currently defending Dr. Smartass against yet more spurious statutory charges. We can personally vouch he was nowhere near that school at the time of the alleged incident.)

We are humbled by your praise, thrilled by your attention, exhausted by churning out 2+ posts a day and aroused by the thought of doing it again and again and again until we collapse in a sweaty pool of erotic effluvia.

Sorry, got distracted by some porn there for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah: For all that you do, we thank you.

Now go design a funny T-shirt and win yourself an Apple iPad from Fibers.com. You deserve it.

eSarcasm Announces Plans for World Wide Web Advertising Domination

September 28, 2009

It was a momentous weekend. Just six scant weeks after its smashing debut, eSarcasm – The Saucy Little Site That Goes Great With Meat or Fish ™ — began serving up banners to an advertising-starved public.

Of course, that meant making a few key decisions. Which advertisers would be worthy of carrying the banner for eSarcasm? We decided to pick only the finest. Not just any under-the-counter vendor of fake pharmaceuticals, but those that offer free shipping and 24-7 customer service. Not just any penis enlargement pills, but the most fully engorged throbbingly tumescent ones. (Also: Did you know you could meet Hot Single Girls in Your Area just by clicking on an ad? This was a revelation to us.)

We also elected to reject those pop up-ads that flash on and off in psychedelic colors, mostly because viewing them automatically sends JR into an epileptic fit. He’s already bitten through two of DT’s wallets and a cell phone, and enough’s enough.

Within its first hour, the site already generated revenue of $0.24. At this rate, eSarcasm will achieve a $1 billion revenue rate by year 477340 A.C.E., which is perfectly in line with our business projections (as well as the Book of Revelations and chapters 3 through 7 of The Joy of Sex).

We hope you’ll click early and often.

Also, we updated our privacy policy accordingly. You have just been officially notified. Don’t come crying to us later when you discover Doubleclick cookies on your hard drive.

eSarcasm opens the kimono, shows its dangly bits

July 31, 2009

Here at eSarcasm, The Website That Cares Deeply About Each and Every One of You ™, we’re tingling with excitement. Why? Because beginning Monday, August 3, we will be officially launched unto the world.

We’re practically wetting ourselves (technically, JR has already wet himself, but that’s a separate medical issue I’d rather not get into right now). It’s been a long hard struggle to get the site in shape for its grand opening, and we can’t believe the Big Day is finally here.

FYI, here’s the release we sent out to a *select group* of mainstream media and the blogerati:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

eSarcasm Unleashes Snark 2.0

New geek humor site reboots blogosphere, changes Net as we know it

Do you tweet too much? Have you recently added “social media guru” to your resume? Do you believe in a literal interpretation of TechCrunch? Then you will probably hate eSarcasm, a site devoted to mockery of all things tech.

On August 3 a new era will dawn in the history of the Web, when eSarcasm (“Geek Humor Gone Wild”) is officially foisted upon an unsuspecting world.

eSarcasm is the bastard offspring brainchild of award-winning journalists Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, who’ve spent years chronicling high-tech foibles for PC World, C|NET, Wired News, Popular Science, and other publications too embarrassed to be named here.

Tynan and Raphael are staking what’s left of their reputations on puncturing Web 2.0 windbags, skewering weird science, and making fun of everything else that crosses their virtual desks, from mindless Internet memes to brain-dead press releases.

Only on eSarcasm will you find the following:

* 25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know: Quick, what does IICDTINLTH stand for? Read our helpful guide, and even your own kids might start to respect you.

* iWant iPorn: 7 Adult-Themed Apps We’d Love to See: These don’t exist yet, but we’d build them if we knew Jack about programming.

* CrunchPad to Include ‘AutoRumor’ and ‘AlwaysRight’ Technology: Device to emulate real experience of reading TechCrunch, complete with egotistical rants and extreme irritation.

* Interview With the Spermatazoa: We get up close and personal with world’s first artificially created male genome, Ivy Dee.

“We intend to spread our message of geeky sarcasm to all four corners of the globe, a phrase that only makes sense if you believe Earth is shaped like a pool table,” says Tynan.

“They said it couldn’t be done,” adds Raphael. “Well, actually they said it shouldn’t be done. But screw ’em, we’re doing it anyway.”

What the Critics Are Saying About eSarcasm*:

“Light and refreshing, with a delightful minty aftertaste.” — David Pogue, New York Times

“This site would be really funny if it didn’t look like crap on my iPhone.” — Walt Mossberg, AllThingsD

“Who the hell are these guys?” — Michael Arrington, TechCrunch

*Hey, we can dream, can’t we?

For more about eSarcasm LLC, visit eSarcasm’s “About” page, or stop by the official company blog at https://esarcasmblog.wordpress.com/

For information, interviews, syndication opportunities, or more smartass commentary contact:

press@esarcasm.com

Dan Tynan 910.795.2357
JR Raphael 213.254.5030

If you received this release, it means you are very VERY special to us, and we hope you will write many nice things about us in the days to come. If you don’t, that’s OK too. Just don’t expect any invitations to soirees on our private island when we become gazillionaires. This isn’t a charity gig, you know.

eSarcasm Nominated for International Honor

July 10, 2009

eSarcasm, The Site With the Largest Collection of Impossibly Long Trademarked Taglines in The Known Universe ™, is pleased to announce that is a finalist for an award of international importance.

Last night, the founders of eSarcasm, The Site With etc etc ™, were notifed by phone that the site had been nominated for the Noble Peach Prize, an award given to individuals and organizations exhibiting extreme aptitude in the consumption of fleshy fruits.

“We are pleased, honored, humbled, and strangely aroused by this honor,” wrote co-founder Dan Tynan in a post to his company’s blog. “We look forward to the awards ceremony in OshKosh, and we really really really hope we win.”

“It’s amazing to be nominated for such a ‘peachy’ award as this one,” wryly noted co-co-founder JR Raphael in the same post to his company’s blog. “It will make the fruits of our labors well worth it. I just hope our friends at Apple take notice.”

Unlike the similarly named Nobel Peace Prize, not just any fly-by-night microblog can be nominated for the Noble Peach Prize. Qualifying requires filling out an extensive form and mailing in labels from six cans of Mrs. Ball’s Peach Chutney.

Winners of the Noble Prize will be announced in OshKosh, Wisconsin, in September.

eSarcasm eMerges From Pre-Pre-Alpha

July 4, 2009

july_4th_fireworks

Just in time to celebrate our nation’s independence, eSarcasm, America’s Website ™, is proud to announce it is emerging from pre-pre-Alpha and entering the pre-Alpha testing phase.

“We are proud to announce we are emerging from pre-pre-Alpha and entering pre-Alpha testing,” said co-founder Dan Tynan. “Wait, didn’t I just say that?”

eSarcasm, America’s Website ™, has been in development for 17 years now, and we’re really pleased with its progress, noted co-co-founder JR Raphael, whose real name is a closely guarded trade secret.

“If all goes according to schedule, we should be entering Alpha sometime before the end of summer, pre-pre-beta in fall, and pre-beta before spring of 2010,” he adds. “We plan to skip right past actual beta and move directly onto gamma, delta, and epsilon. With any luck we’ll reach omega right around retirement age, and then our grand kids can take over.”

eSarcasm, America’s Website ™, provides one-stop shopping for fans of high-tech snark, or at least it will on that glorious day if when it finally launches, sometime in 2027.

The First Reviews Are In!

June 25, 2009

As we grow closer to the beta phase and subsequent public launch of eSarcasm, we decided to give early access to a small group of users to get their initial impressions on the site. We’re delighted to report that the first of those reviews are now in our hands.

“It wasn’t terrible,” wrote Dan Tynan, one of the early previewers. “I’ve seen worse, but I’ve also certainly seen better.”

Other users touted eSarcasm’s “clever use of the lowercase ‘e'” and “coherent writing of often-complete sentences.” Some even touched on the abilities of the site’s award-winning writing staff.

“To be honest with you, I’m not generally a fan of those guys’ work,” wrote JR Raphael, another early previewer. “Still, given their overall lack of writing prowess and numerous other character flaws, the site was far less shitty than I was expecting.”

eSarcasm is tentatively slated to open sometime before Earth and Venus collide. The site is a venture of eSarcasm, LLC, headquartered in Anytown, U.S.A. and backed by Mazzaroni Construction & Cremetoria and Voldemort Vader & Associates.

eSarcasm Now Available in Multiple Languages

June 19, 2009

We at eSarcasm recognize that the Internet is a global community. As part of our mission to become a trusted leader in this diverse online ecosystem, we’re proud to announce that eSarcasm content is now available in multiple languages.

Thanks to an unexpected partnership with the folks at mon.vipublog.com — who were kind enough to take our content, translate it, and repost it on their servers without us even asking — some of our stories are now available in gibberish. Below, for example, is the mon.vipublog.com translation of our recent obituary for the Best Buy associate:

Future Obituary: The Best Buy Associate, 1984 – 2010

Poste par raphael on June 18th, 2009

The statement you are blunt to announce is not verified. It is, howsoever, more rigorous than most things on TechCrunch.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2010 – The Best Buy associate, a devoted impressive blue-shirted curiosity, was spotted in earn the absolute old hat today.

The associate was typically seen scurrying blunt too lit electronics stores during the former two decades, ignoring customers and not answering phones. Youthful in statement associate with, he was recognized nigh his spiky suggestion, annoying goatee, and propensity to employ the word-group: “I’ll be completely cooked with you.”

The Best Buy associate prospered in the mid-90s as the electronics daring boomed in America.

The introduction of the Best Buy airport vending instrument in the media enter upon free 2008 is generally seen as the catalyst of the associate’s demise. He is credited with doing some of his finest cagey maneuvers during that print, racking up log extend times in earn phone-based customers while also keeping lines of irritating in-store shoppers waiting. Shortly after the machine’s unveiling, dependability in managers realized how in all likelihood they could aspect the associate excuse without anyone noticing.

In June of 2009, a series of Best Buy ads attempted to part of the associate as “friendly” and “knowledgeable,” absent and keen to balm people both above the phone and in-person. Sources abort to the essentials give the powwow deliver this see-through mischaracterization was a absolute require on to rejuvenate the associate as his fettle became increasingly genuine. The Best Buy associate was 26 years past.

The associate longing be remembered in earn his single-syllable celebrity – Jim, was it? Or Rick? – as completely cooked as his members to offensive that behemoth wheelie-ladder element into the vicinage the dependability in in earn hours on out of exert oneself with no deceptive utility in identify.

Unfortunately, the mon.vipublog.com courtesy translation service appears to have been taken offline for the moment (it “est suspendu,” according to a notice posted on the site); however, we look forward to continuing to serve our multicultural audience through other venues in the future.

eSarcasm Named ‘Startup to Watch’ For 2009

June 10, 2009

eSarcasm has been named one of 2009’s “746,523 Startups to Watch.” The list, published by Low Standards magazine, selected eSarcasm for its “functioning domain with text on the page,” the report explains.

“We saw that eSarcasm actually had a working URL,” says Low Standards Senior Editor April Schauer. “Then we noticed that there was something there other than a generic GoDaddy landing page.”

The distinction is the latest of several to be bestowed upon eSarcasm during its prebeta development phase. The company was previously listed as a “new company” in Obvious Observation and mentioned as a “semi-legitimate endeavor” by Skeptical Weekly.

“These honors are encouraging as we move forward toward our public launch,” says Dan Tynan, eSarcasm co-founder and senior salt smeller. “We anticipate fabricating many more such achievements in the months to come.”

Hello world!

June 1, 2009

Hello and welcome to the first post of the official eSarcasm blog. In this blog we’ll be blogging about what it’s like to blog at eSarcasm.com. This is not to be confused with our unofficial blog, where we’ll be blogging about blogging about blogging at eSarcasm. Confused? Don’t worry. We’re confident it will all become much clearer after the meds have kicked in.

Here we’ll be filling you in on the beehive of activity that is the Web’s Leading Site for Snarky and Sarcastic Tech Reporting ™. We’ll be posting job openings, talking about our growing list of content partners, and telling you what we had for lunch.

But what this blog is really about is YOU, our loyal reader(s). We want to hear from YOU about how we’re doing. We want to know what you like about the site, what you really like about the site, and what things you wouldn’t touch a hair on because you like them so much.

It’s why Tim O’Reilly invented the Web in the first place – to enable new and fascinating ways for people to talk about how great they are. So let the conversation begin!