eSarcasm Banned From App Store, China

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We regret to report that eSarcasm has been banned from both Apple’s App Store and the People’s Republic of China. We received word from both entities this week.

The bannings come as a result of our recent story entitled “Apple, China to Collectively Oppress with iPhone Deal.” The story, a satirical look at the parallels between Apple’s and China’s Communist regimes, detailed plans for the upcoming iPhone launch in China. Among its assertions was the pending development of several new China-specific iPhone apps, including:

  • iLove the Government: A mandatory app that runs semihourly, whether you activate it or not. Based on Apple’s “iLove Steve Jobs” app, which will be built into the upcoming Snow Leopard release.
  • The Little White Book: Inspirational work mixes wisdom from Chairman Mao with new aphorisms from Chairman Steve, such as “Only running dog imperialists use Windows” and “Power comes at the end of a user license agreement.”
  • iMade This iPhone: Available for all surviving factory workers to express their anguish pride.

Neither the Chinese government nor the Apple dictatorship, seemingly, was amused. In a joint notification sent to eSarcasm LLC via e-mail, the entities stated the following:

Your story makes Apple look like an overrated Communist regime. This duplicates the functionality already present in all Apple products and actions, which may lead to user confusion. Plus, we really don’t like you guys. Consider yourselves permanently rejected, suckers.

你是一个非常糟糕的人。我们阻止你的计算机中。如果你来我们国家,我们报名参加奥运会体操训练营的孩子。

(Rough translation: “You are very bad man. We block you from Chinese computer. If you come to our nation, we enroll your children in gymnast boot camp.”)

eSarcasm principals JR Raphael and Dan Tynan declined to comment directly on the decision, expressing instead only optimism about the future.

“We will continue to work to bring our services to iPhone users — for example, by taking advantage of advances in pornography peddling,” Tynan explained.

“Hey, you want to go get some nachos?” Raphael added.

The FCC was reportedly going to investigate the eSarcasm banning and whether it involved Apple and China using their dominant positions to stifle innovation. They then, however, read this story (“New FCC ‘S&M Kit’ to Block Sex, Violence From Teens”) and told Dan and JR to go fuck themselves.

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