Archive for the ‘Ass-reamed’ Category

Bad Taste, Less Filling

September 19, 2011

“You’re putting that in the wrong place, goddammit. Have I taught you nothing about proper shelving procedures?” — Melvil Dewey (1851 – 1931)

I’m doing what Dan Tynan should have done, or JR Raphael for that matter — venting my thoughts on the latest episode of the eSarcasm soap opera on a blog that nobody ever reads rather than abusing eSarcasm’s mighty publishing platform to get as much attention as possible from the 4 to 7 people who actually read it.

Where was I again? Oh yeah — the clusterfuck that is eSarcasm.

My colleague Dr. Smartass hits the nail on the proverbial head: Tynan’s public resignation from eSarcasm, on eSarcasm, was an ill-timed sleazy move, not unlike the way he tried to hit on JR’s grandmother at the last eSarcasm Christmas party. I mean, the woman is 90 if she’s a day. I throw up a little in my mouth every time I think about that.

I say that with the utmost respect for Tynan, who I think is a phenomenal writer with a rapier wit and a brilliant mind, though he still owes me $38 from last January and I’m starting to get a little PO’d about it.

You won’t catch me saying this about anything else that gets published on eSarcasm, but that post should have absolutely gone on his personal blog or website, or possibly only spraypainted on the walls of his skull. I’ve thought about this all day, and it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth (though not as bad as thinking about Tynan boffing JR’s granny — seriously, that is nasty).

Clearly, Tynan has an ax to grind with Raphael, but he must realize that nailing JR to the cross in such a visible way, and I mean that literally — Tynan tacked him to one of the crossbeams in our office with a staple gun, and it took us 45 minutes to pry the staples out with a letter opener — was definitely not a classy thing to do. I only hope he realizes that one day.

As I’ve written countless times, I have a great professional relationship with JR, and I would really like to avoid getting fired or demoted, because I really need this job and I can’t face going back to Wal-Mart.

I’m not saying eSarcasm doesn’t have major issues. Boy, do they have issues. One of these days I’ll write about them, hopefully after the gag order has been lifted and no one is paying attention.

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Geek T-shirt design contest winners named; too much tequila consumed

August 31, 2010


The contest is over. The winners have been chosen. The passive voice has been fully employed.

You know how it is sometimes. You drink too much tequila, you meet an amazing woman, you take her home, things happen. In the morning she turns out to have more chest hair than you do and starts hitting you up to pay for her hormone treatments.

The “I May Be Fashion Challenged But I’m Smarter Than You” T Shirt contest was a little like that.

We should have known something was up when we called our partners in this venture one evening and their mom answered. She said it was too late for them to talk on the phone, and we should call them the next day after they’d had their nap.

Later, they asked for our help in sneaking $35 million out of Nigeria and into an offshore bank account. That was also a red flag. Stupidly, we ignored it.

For the record, we thought this T shirt was funny. So was this one. We found T shirt drolly amusing. But heck, we just run a humor site. What do we know from funny?

There were also some really nice designs. Strangely, none of those won either.

Congratulations to the winners. As for the owners of that T-shirt design site, we hope they sell enough shirts to offset the cost of that iPad. We’re sure it set them back at least three months’ allowance.

We were duped!

April 1, 2010

For days now we’ve had some really big news we wanted to share with you, our faithful readers, but we’ve been constrained by a deeply binding Non-Disclosure Agreement. Today was to be the day we let the cat out of the proverbial bag.

Here’s the release we were prepared to send out:

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Can Tie a Cherry Stem In a Knot With Its Tongue (And Also Its Toes) ™, has been acquired by TechCrunch. Beginning immediately, it will become part of the TechCrunch stable of sites. The site’s cofounders, Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, will join the TechCrunch staff and get the opportunity to meet the extremely dishy Evelyn Rusli and the less dishy but still perfectly doable Sarah Lacy.

Amazing, isn’t it? Less than a year after first coming up with the idea for a geek humor portal, we were going to walk away with enough cash in our pockets to buy furniture and have the carpet cleaned. Hookers and blow for everyone!

Today, we heard from TechCrunch’s attorneys (the firm of Eichmann, Himmler, & Goering) that the deal was off. Kaput. Finito. Verklemp. In fact, it was never really on to begin with.

How did this happen? It’s a long story.

When the call came from Arrington’s personal assistant three weeks ago we probably should have been more suspicious. Sure, he sounded a bit young – but with all the unpaid teen interns they’ve got running around there we figured that’s just how they roll. The fact that he insisted on conducting all negotiations himself, and refused to let us speak directly to Arrington, was another clue we should have heeded but didn’t. But when he demanded a MacBook Air laptop in return for being acquired, it began to send off red flags.

By then, we’d totally redesigned our home page to match the TechCrunch look and feel. We’d started doing even less fact checking on our stories than usual. We’d even taken to strutting around the office smoking cigars and browbeating our staff, just to get in the mood.

In hindsight, it was probably not the most logical of unions.

True, we had been occasionally critical of TechCrunch. We’d had a bit of sport poking fun at the CrunchPad JooJoo Tablet fiasco. We’d strongly implied Mr. Arrington was out of his depth when it came to actual journalism and liked to go around in women’s clothing. But we figured, business is business. And, most likely, he was buying us just to shut us up.

That was all right with us. We can be bought. And at the price that Arrington his teen assistant was quoting, they could have bought ten of us, and Doctor Smartass, and still had money left over to visit Club Voyeur with half of the Republican National Committee.

But it was clearly not meant to be. So we’re back where we started — serving the very finest in sophomoric geek humor to you, our faithful regular readers.

We thank you both for your support.

eSarcasm: Now Banned at a Corporation Near You

March 4, 2010

eSarcasm, The Web Site With Abnormally Muscular Thighs ™, is pleased to announce a new milestone in its mission to offend everyone in the civilized world.

As of March 2010, eSarcasm appears to have been blocked by Websense, a “Web filtering” company used by numerous corporations to keep their minions from staring at boobies protect their employees from potentially objectionable content.

An alert reader in Alabama first picked up on the change, informing eSarcasm staff that the eSarcasm.com site was no longer accessible from his workplace. eSarcasm’s esteemed board of directors immediately responded to the news.

“We are thrilled to be in the company of such fine publications as Playboy, Penthouse, and Hot Naked Sluts On Their Knees,” remarked eSarcasm Director of Vulgarity Dan Tynan.

“Hey, what’s the password to that Hot Naked Sluts site?” added JR Raphael, eSarcasm’s executive supervisor of pornographic activity.

While eSarcasm cannot be certain of the reason for its corporate banning, an internal probe has determined the event could possibly be tied to one of the following items:

Then again, it could have also been our disturbingly nude portrayal of Facebook head honcho Mark Zuckerberg, our repeated proclamations that Jesus Christ had endorsed us, or our frank discussion about why drunk girls are most likely to go down on you. Or any of the countless other inappropriate things we’ve published over the past year; to be honest, we’ve kind of lost track.

Regardless of the reason, eSarcasm would like to extend its deepest gratitude to Websense for bestowing this great honor upon our humble site. And, just to make sure that this blog is also banned, we’d like to let them know that they’re a bunch of ass-gobbling fuckhead shit-turds.

Just Because….

February 13, 2010

eSarcasm Issues Mea Culpa, Throws Itself on Mercy of its Readers

October 21, 2009

At eSarcasm, The Web Site That Gets It Right ™, we take accuracy very seriously. Toward that end we have employed a crack team of Bulgarian fact checkers who spend each day verifying every single fact in every single story, except during the moments when they’re busy breaking CAPTCHA codes in Facebook.

However, even we occasionally make mistakes. We would like to address some of them now.

First, eSarcasm was not, in point of fact, endorsed by the one true Christian god and holy saviour, Jesus Christ, as was reported on August 20, 2009.
jesus-christ-endorsement

We have subsequently learned that the bearded man with the amazingly tranquil eyes was actually Jesus De Christo, an itinerant restaurant worker. Yet he still managed to pass a impressive battery of tests. For example: That walking-on-water business? Acrylic stilts. We’re still not sure how he pulled off the loaves and fishes trick, but our freezer is still stuffed full of Mrs. Paul’s breaded cod fillets. If anybody wants some, let us know. We’re tired of eating them.

At various times and places in this blog we have implied that Michael Arrington, founder of the popular _____Crunch Web franchise, is a douchebag, a pompous arrogant douchebag, and a pompous arrogant cross-dressing douchebag. We have also suggested that he bears an uncanny resemblence to Leonardo the Ninja Turtle. This was of course all in jest. We have the utmost respect for Mr. Arrington and his phalanx of attorneys and would do nothing to dissuade readers from believing everything he says, even when it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

bartz thumb

In an article published earlier today we implied that Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz performed an exotic dance for Yahoo employees in Taiwan wearing nothing but a G-string. We have subsequently learned that this was in fact a Carol Bartz impersonator.

In a related story published last month titled “Yahoo Has a Big One and Wants Everyone to Know It,” we implied that Ms. Bartz has a special fondness for really big dicks. We continue to stand by this story. Because, hell, who doesn’t?
steve-jobs-bush-beans-300x218

Finally, Steve Jobs was not, we repeat, NOT arrested for shoplifting a can of baked beans from a convenience store in East Palo Alto on June 8 of this year. We sincerely hope that this official retraction is sufficient to secure the release of our loved ones from their holding pen at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters.

eSarcasm regrets the errors.

The eSarcasm 50: A huge success

September 16, 2009

Well it’s been a fabulous two days hours. We’ve just wrapped up our first annual gathering of eSarcasm 50, a gathering of the hottest tech start-ups desperate for any kind of media attention, no matter how pitiful.

Because of the economy and other factors, attendance was a shade lower than we’d anticipated. Only a handful of the companies we’d invited to attend actually showed up. But the ones that did appear were truly amazing. We were completely blown away by their products, their enthusiasm, and the amount of cheese whiz they managed to consume.

Thanks to all the attendees, especially those who chipped in for the bail money to get JR Raphael released on his own recognizance. Good news: The hotel has agreed to not press charges provided we pay for the cleaning bills, reimburse the owner of the horse, and promise to never ever hold any events there again. All in all, a tremendous success.

eSarcasm Banned From App Store, China

September 2, 2009

We regret to report that eSarcasm has been banned from both Apple’s App Store and the People’s Republic of China. We received word from both entities this week.

The bannings come as a result of our recent story entitled “Apple, China to Collectively Oppress with iPhone Deal.” The story, a satirical look at the parallels between Apple’s and China’s Communist regimes, detailed plans for the upcoming iPhone launch in China. Among its assertions was the pending development of several new China-specific iPhone apps, including:

  • iLove the Government: A mandatory app that runs semihourly, whether you activate it or not. Based on Apple’s “iLove Steve Jobs” app, which will be built into the upcoming Snow Leopard release.
  • The Little White Book: Inspirational work mixes wisdom from Chairman Mao with new aphorisms from Chairman Steve, such as “Only running dog imperialists use Windows” and “Power comes at the end of a user license agreement.”
  • iMade This iPhone: Available for all surviving factory workers to express their anguish pride.

Neither the Chinese government nor the Apple dictatorship, seemingly, was amused. In a joint notification sent to eSarcasm LLC via e-mail, the entities stated the following:

Your story makes Apple look like an overrated Communist regime. This duplicates the functionality already present in all Apple products and actions, which may lead to user confusion. Plus, we really don’t like you guys. Consider yourselves permanently rejected, suckers.

你是一个非常糟糕的人。我们阻止你的计算机中。如果你来我们国家,我们报名参加奥运会体操训练营的孩子。

(Rough translation: “You are very bad man. We block you from Chinese computer. If you come to our nation, we enroll your children in gymnast boot camp.”)

eSarcasm principals JR Raphael and Dan Tynan declined to comment directly on the decision, expressing instead only optimism about the future.

“We will continue to work to bring our services to iPhone users — for example, by taking advantage of advances in pornography peddling,” Tynan explained.

“Hey, you want to go get some nachos?” Raphael added.

The FCC was reportedly going to investigate the eSarcasm banning and whether it involved Apple and China using their dominant positions to stifle innovation. They then, however, read this story (“New FCC ‘S&M Kit’ to Block Sex, Violence From Teens”) and told Dan and JR to go fuck themselves.

eSarcasm Victimized by Malicious Hacks

July 18, 2009

It is my unfortunate duty to report that some time earlier this week, the servers at eSarcasm.com were hacked, and several dozen confidential company documents were stolen. Apparently, we are not the only Web startup to suffer such a fate recently.

We have been contacted by two news organizations who say they are in posesssion of the documents and intend to publish them on the Interwebs, unless we leave $200 in small unmarked bills in a Peanuts lunch box at a nearby Kinkos.

We do not negotiate with blackmailers. And we do not have $200. So to forestall further attempts at extortion, we have decided to publish relevant excerpts of the stolen documents here. These documents contained information of a highly personal nature, as well as some shit we made up to make us sound really important.

The first documents details our plans for world domination growing the eSarcasm brand, along with projected traffic and revenue run rates.

esarcasm world domination 1 - croppedThe next document contains notes from a discussion about our long-term strategy vis-a-vis Google.

esarcasm world domination 2-cropped

Here’s our growth plan for the next four years. We are already far ahead of our initial projections, by the way.

esarcasm world domination 3-croppedWe are NOT, we repeat, NOT signing a production deal with Judd Apatow to do a TV show based on the lives of two dashing geek humorists. But here’s a memo about that anyway.

esarcasm world domination 5-cropped

Finally, here’s a typical Management Meeting Agenda. We do this kind of stuff all the time. It’s like a friggin who’s who of Hollywood around here.

esarcasm world domination 4-cropped

We are pursuing a path to address the harm caused by these actions and have already reached out to the partners and individuals affected. We are now hiding under our desks holding fireplace pokers and starter pistols, and plan to remain that way until all this shit blows over.