Posts Tagged ‘TechCrunch’

Bad Taste, Less Filling

September 19, 2011

“You’re putting that in the wrong place, goddammit. Have I taught you nothing about proper shelving procedures?” — Melvil Dewey (1851 – 1931)

I’m doing what Dan Tynan should have done, or JR Raphael for that matter — venting my thoughts on the latest episode of the eSarcasm soap opera on a blog that nobody ever reads rather than abusing eSarcasm’s mighty publishing platform to get as much attention as possible from the 4 to 7 people who actually read it.

Where was I again? Oh yeah — the clusterfuck that is eSarcasm.

My colleague Dr. Smartass hits the nail on the proverbial head: Tynan’s public resignation from eSarcasm, on eSarcasm, was an ill-timed sleazy move, not unlike the way he tried to hit on JR’s grandmother at the last eSarcasm Christmas party. I mean, the woman is 90 if she’s a day. I throw up a little in my mouth every time I think about that.

I say that with the utmost respect for Tynan, who I think is a phenomenal writer with a rapier wit and a brilliant mind, though he still owes me $38 from last January and I’m starting to get a little PO’d about it.

You won’t catch me saying this about anything else that gets published on eSarcasm, but that post should have absolutely gone on his personal blog or website, or possibly only spraypainted on the walls of his skull. I’ve thought about this all day, and it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth (though not as bad as thinking about Tynan boffing JR’s granny — seriously, that is nasty).

Clearly, Tynan has an ax to grind with Raphael, but he must realize that nailing JR to the cross in such a visible way, and I mean that literally — Tynan tacked him to one of the crossbeams in our office with a staple gun, and it took us 45 minutes to pry the staples out with a letter opener — was definitely not a classy thing to do. I only hope he realizes that one day.

As I’ve written countless times, I have a great professional relationship with JR, and I would really like to avoid getting fired or demoted, because I really need this job and I can’t face going back to Wal-Mart.

I’m not saying eSarcasm doesn’t have major issues. Boy, do they have issues. One of these days I’ll write about them, hopefully after the gag order has been lifted and no one is paying attention.

We were duped!

April 1, 2010

For days now we’ve had some really big news we wanted to share with you, our faithful readers, but we’ve been constrained by a deeply binding Non-Disclosure Agreement. Today was to be the day we let the cat out of the proverbial bag.

Here’s the release we were prepared to send out:

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Can Tie a Cherry Stem In a Knot With Its Tongue (And Also Its Toes) ™, has been acquired by TechCrunch. Beginning immediately, it will become part of the TechCrunch stable of sites. The site’s cofounders, Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, will join the TechCrunch staff and get the opportunity to meet the extremely dishy Evelyn Rusli and the less dishy but still perfectly doable Sarah Lacy.

Amazing, isn’t it? Less than a year after first coming up with the idea for a geek humor portal, we were going to walk away with enough cash in our pockets to buy furniture and have the carpet cleaned. Hookers and blow for everyone!

Today, we heard from TechCrunch’s attorneys (the firm of Eichmann, Himmler, & Goering) that the deal was off. Kaput. Finito. Verklemp. In fact, it was never really on to begin with.

How did this happen? It’s a long story.

When the call came from Arrington’s personal assistant three weeks ago we probably should have been more suspicious. Sure, he sounded a bit young – but with all the unpaid teen interns they’ve got running around there we figured that’s just how they roll. The fact that he insisted on conducting all negotiations himself, and refused to let us speak directly to Arrington, was another clue we should have heeded but didn’t. But when he demanded a MacBook Air laptop in return for being acquired, it began to send off red flags.

By then, we’d totally redesigned our home page to match the TechCrunch look and feel. We’d started doing even less fact checking on our stories than usual. We’d even taken to strutting around the office smoking cigars and browbeating our staff, just to get in the mood.

In hindsight, it was probably not the most logical of unions.

True, we had been occasionally critical of TechCrunch. We’d had a bit of sport poking fun at the CrunchPad JooJoo Tablet fiasco. We’d strongly implied Mr. Arrington was out of his depth when it came to actual journalism and liked to go around in women’s clothing. But we figured, business is business. And, most likely, he was buying us just to shut us up.

That was all right with us. We can be bought. And at the price that Arrington his teen assistant was quoting, they could have bought ten of us, and Doctor Smartass, and still had money left over to visit Club Voyeur with half of the Republican National Committee.

But it was clearly not meant to be. So we’re back where we started — serving the very finest in sophomoric geek humor to you, our faithful regular readers.

We thank you both for your support.

eSarcasm opens the kimono, shows its dangly bits

July 31, 2009

Here at eSarcasm, The Website That Cares Deeply About Each and Every One of You ™, we’re tingling with excitement. Why? Because beginning Monday, August 3, we will be officially launched unto the world.

We’re practically wetting ourselves (technically, JR has already wet himself, but that’s a separate medical issue I’d rather not get into right now). It’s been a long hard struggle to get the site in shape for its grand opening, and we can’t believe the Big Day is finally here.

FYI, here’s the release we sent out to a *select group* of mainstream media and the blogerati:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

eSarcasm Unleashes Snark 2.0

New geek humor site reboots blogosphere, changes Net as we know it

Do you tweet too much? Have you recently added “social media guru” to your resume? Do you believe in a literal interpretation of TechCrunch? Then you will probably hate eSarcasm, a site devoted to mockery of all things tech.

On August 3 a new era will dawn in the history of the Web, when eSarcasm (“Geek Humor Gone Wild”) is officially foisted upon an unsuspecting world.

eSarcasm is the bastard offspring brainchild of award-winning journalists Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, who’ve spent years chronicling high-tech foibles for PC World, C|NET, Wired News, Popular Science, and other publications too embarrassed to be named here.

Tynan and Raphael are staking what’s left of their reputations on puncturing Web 2.0 windbags, skewering weird science, and making fun of everything else that crosses their virtual desks, from mindless Internet memes to brain-dead press releases.

Only on eSarcasm will you find the following:

* 25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know: Quick, what does IICDTINLTH stand for? Read our helpful guide, and even your own kids might start to respect you.

* iWant iPorn: 7 Adult-Themed Apps We’d Love to See: These don’t exist yet, but we’d build them if we knew Jack about programming.

* CrunchPad to Include ‘AutoRumor’ and ‘AlwaysRight’ Technology: Device to emulate real experience of reading TechCrunch, complete with egotistical rants and extreme irritation.

* Interview With the Spermatazoa: We get up close and personal with world’s first artificially created male genome, Ivy Dee.

“We intend to spread our message of geeky sarcasm to all four corners of the globe, a phrase that only makes sense if you believe Earth is shaped like a pool table,” says Tynan.

“They said it couldn’t be done,” adds Raphael. “Well, actually they said it shouldn’t be done. But screw ’em, we’re doing it anyway.”

What the Critics Are Saying About eSarcasm*:

“Light and refreshing, with a delightful minty aftertaste.” — David Pogue, New York Times

“This site would be really funny if it didn’t look like crap on my iPhone.” — Walt Mossberg, AllThingsD

“Who the hell are these guys?” — Michael Arrington, TechCrunch

*Hey, we can dream, can’t we?

For more about eSarcasm LLC, visit eSarcasm’s “About” page, or stop by the official company blog at https://esarcasmblog.wordpress.com/

For information, interviews, syndication opportunities, or more smartass commentary contact:

press@esarcasm.com

Dan Tynan 910.795.2357
JR Raphael 213.254.5030

If you received this release, it means you are very VERY special to us, and we hope you will write many nice things about us in the days to come. If you don’t, that’s OK too. Just don’t expect any invitations to soirees on our private island when we become gazillionaires. This isn’t a charity gig, you know.

eSarcasm Victimized by Malicious Hacks

July 18, 2009

It is my unfortunate duty to report that some time earlier this week, the servers at eSarcasm.com were hacked, and several dozen confidential company documents were stolen. Apparently, we are not the only Web startup to suffer such a fate recently.

We have been contacted by two news organizations who say they are in posesssion of the documents and intend to publish them on the Interwebs, unless we leave $200 in small unmarked bills in a Peanuts lunch box at a nearby Kinkos.

We do not negotiate with blackmailers. And we do not have $200. So to forestall further attempts at extortion, we have decided to publish relevant excerpts of the stolen documents here. These documents contained information of a highly personal nature, as well as some shit we made up to make us sound really important.

The first documents details our plans for world domination growing the eSarcasm brand, along with projected traffic and revenue run rates.

esarcasm world domination 1 - croppedThe next document contains notes from a discussion about our long-term strategy vis-a-vis Google.

esarcasm world domination 2-cropped

Here’s our growth plan for the next four years. We are already far ahead of our initial projections, by the way.

esarcasm world domination 3-croppedWe are NOT, we repeat, NOT signing a production deal with Judd Apatow to do a TV show based on the lives of two dashing geek humorists. But here’s a memo about that anyway.

esarcasm world domination 5-cropped

Finally, here’s a typical Management Meeting Agenda. We do this kind of stuff all the time. It’s like a friggin who’s who of Hollywood around here.

esarcasm world domination 4-cropped

We are pursuing a path to address the harm caused by these actions and have already reached out to the partners and individuals affected. We are now hiding under our desks holding fireplace pokers and starter pistols, and plan to remain that way until all this shit blows over.

Sometimes When We Touch….

June 15, 2009

It’s true what you hear. In the wacky world of Web 2.0 startups, it’s one big cocktail party. Everybody knows everybody. Here at eSarcasm, we are on a first-name basis with Biz, Evan, Kevin, Max, Jason, Jonathon, Nick, Eric, Larry, Sergey, John, Om, Robert, Guy, David, Chad, Henry, Chris, Marissa, Matt, Mark, Mark, Marc, Marc, and Mark.

One time Zuckerberg let us touch his Chinos. Another time Michael Arrington almost returned one of our calls. (It was his name on the Caller ID, but there was just a lot of grunting and swearing on the other end — we think it may have been a pocket call.)

It’s not a big deal for us to run into each other at some fabulous party or to do lunch at a four-star restaurant. Sometimes the conversations are casual. Sometimes it’s strictly business. Mostly it’s somewhere in between.

So, yes, it’s true we did meet and have lunch at Google with a couple of guys from their M&A division. I don’t remember their names (frankly, all those Google people look alike to me) but they had very stylish eyewear and were really really smart. And yes, the subject of an acquisition did come up.

Unfortunately, just when we started to talk numbers, JR had an allergic reaction to the entree (grilled manatee with a truffle reduction sauce over a bed of betel-nut-infused couscous) and had to run off to the Googletorium to purge.

And though Google’s initial offer was tempting, it wasn’t nearly enough to sway us from our mission. This is what I told them at the time:

We’ve got big plans for eSarcasm, and no intention of selling to anyone at any price at this time. We plan to do for digital sarcasm what Google Image Search has done for porn — make it freely available to minors and others whose morals are easily warped.

Because that’s just the way we roll.