Another Milestone: Our Very First Cease and Desist Letter

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Makes You Feel Good All Under ™, is proud to announce yet another milestone in its short but increasingly fabulous existence.

Thanks to our story “25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know,” we not only topped 15,000 page views (su-weet!) for the first time in a single day, we also received our very first C&D. We are so proud.

It started with a lovely write up by the San Francisco Chronicle’s medical blogger, Doc Gurley. Appropriately, the blurb was accompanied by a lengthy discussion of sexually transmitted diseases and a photo of an enormous foam penis. Here’s what the good doc had to say:

So does all this news mean your sex-positive attitude is starting feel, well, kind of wilted? If so, check out this chortle-worthy article at eSarcasm, titled 25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Need to Know. As the authors put it (tongue firmly in cheek – their own, we presume), “The problem with any list like this is that it’s just not comprehensive enough. There are in fact at least 25 other commonly used abbreviations that enable your teens to have 100 percent safe sex via their cells. And we can’t have that.” My favorites on the list? Number 15: “SC” (translation: still chafing); number 20: “HPIMPNSIM” (translation: I have a popsicle in my pants. No, seriously – it’s melting); and number 25, “HWH?” (translation: Herpes? What herpes?).

Well, we couldn’t let that go unpunished. So our own faux medical expert, Dr. Stanley Dorkus (aka “Dr. Smartass”), penned a sweet thank you note to Gurley. It reads in part:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your lovely inclusion of our lovely site and its lovely information on teens’ tech-tinged love habits. Oh, pardon my twisted tongue (we both know what kind of trouble a twisted tongue can you get you into — HAY-O!). What I mean to say is that we truly appreciate your appreciation of our silly sexting story. The mention within your column gave us all great delight when we came across it whilst enjoying our morning crumpets in our inexplicably foam-filled office.

As a fellow medical writer who frequently covers sex-related subjects, I’m honored to make your acquaintance. Even though the other eSarcasm “writers” are mere journalists — and, between you and me, pretty poor ones at that — I know their simple minds were also delighted by the sight of your story. They even stopped their maddeningly incessant game of Balderdash for a moment to read it.

Anyhoozle, I’m off for my daily visit to HealthyPenis.org (and, truth be told, HPIMPNSIM), so allow me to bid you adieu. I hope you will continue to enjoy the important information we at eSarcasm provide to the online community. Please do feel free to call on me if I can ever be of any medical assistance.

A few minutes later, the following missive landed in our inbox:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

As per the Senior Medical Correspondent Position, Grade III, please be advised that our client, Doc Gurley, is considering legal action against your organization, eSarcasm. Having been passed over for this position in favor of one Dr. (yeah right) Dorkus, your agency has clearly discriminated against our client. You may be unaware that her demographic category (The Dull) has recently been awarded federal protection status.

In an effort to mediate a positive outcome for all parties (and to avoid a profitable, uh, we mean costly, and tragically high-profile career-making Supreme Court reverse-discrimination case), Doc Gurley, against our wishes, has chosen to address you directly. Please see her (hopefully needlessly inflammatory, sure to provoke a counter-suit) missive, below:

The Office of Wham, Bam and Maam, Esqs.

You listen to me, you puffed up hack – you think we don’t know? The entire healthcare blogosphere has done some digging and your credentials are as phony as Barry Bonds’ tox screen. You’re a charlatan, a sham, a,,,an APOTHECARY!! You think you can waltz away with the premiere job at ESPN (eSarcasm Penile Network) and leave me with nothing but a lowly gig at CNN (Cadaver Nose Network)? Then you DARE to write some fake, patronizing oooh, you’re-so-cute-with-your-piddly-writing taunting email…let me tell you, I know some BIG MEN in the TENDERLOIN – and no, that’s not a euphemism – I’ve got connections on the inside, I’m getting a restraining order, you better stay away from dark alleys, I’m gonna take you down……..(static, squawk, screen goes blank).

Please pardon the email interruption – due to, um, technical problems, specifically, correspondent hit by Thorazine blow-dart.

Tune in again next week for CNN sweeps, Treasure Hunt, when we here at Cadaver Nose Network go digging for gold.

With most startups it takes months, even years, to receive these kinds of legal threats. To receive such an honor during our first week of official existence exceeds our wildest dreams. Kudos all around to those who made this possible.

Tags: Doc Gurley, foam penis, HIV, lawsuits, parents, sexting, STDs