Author Archive

Geek T-shirt design contest winners named; too much tequila consumed

August 31, 2010


The contest is over. The winners have been chosen. The passive voice has been fully employed.

You know how it is sometimes. You drink too much tequila, you meet an amazing woman, you take her home, things happen. In the morning she turns out to have more chest hair than you do and starts hitting you up to pay for her hormone treatments.

The “I May Be Fashion Challenged But I’m Smarter Than You” T Shirt contest was a little like that.

We should have known something was up when we called our partners in this venture one evening and their mom answered. She said it was too late for them to talk on the phone, and we should call them the next day after they’d had their nap.

Later, they asked for our help in sneaking $35 million out of Nigeria and into an offshore bank account. That was also a red flag. Stupidly, we ignored it.

For the record, we thought this T shirt was funny. So was this one. We found T shirt drolly amusing. But heck, we just run a humor site. What do we know from funny?

There were also some really nice designs. Strangely, none of those won either.

Congratulations to the winners. As for the owners of that T-shirt design site, we hope they sell enough shirts to offset the cost of that iPad. We’re sure it set them back at least three months’ allowance.

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eSarcasm 2.0: This Time It’s Personal

August 30, 2010

The home of Geek Humor Gone Wild ™ celebrates one year anniversary with a sparkling new redesign.

Intercourse, PA — One year after its stunning debut, the world’s leading geek humor portal has unveiled a redesign that enhances its mission to bring snark to the masses. Working with the world’s top plastic surgeons, the nipped-and-tucked eSarcasm 2.0 offers features that are both new and exciting yet also strangely familiar to its legions of fans.

Among the highlights of eSarcasm 2.0:

* Sleeker, longer, and thicker home page, ribbed for your pleasure.

* Dedicated video section called eTube, which will feature the funniest Web videos it can steal from other sites find, as well as eSarcasm originals like “Google-China Negotiations Hit Impasse” and “Foul-Mouthed Octogenarians Doing Unspeakable Things” (NSFA).

* New streamlined Quickies section featuring eTube videos, iToons comics, and Hump Day Hotties. Now 27 percent more premature!

* Easier access to the vast archive of eSarcasm Favorites, revealing scores of butt-gusting stories you may have missed, including: “Are You a Certified Facebook Douche?” “The 12 Universal Truths About Twitter,” and “The Steve Jobs E-Mail Generator.”

And more!

“We are so convinced you’ll love eSarc 2.0 that we’re offering a money-back guarantee,” says eSarcasm co-founder Dan Tynan. “If not completely satisfied with the level of sophomoric humor available at the new eSarcasm.com, please return all Web pages you’ve viewed (along with the labels from six specially marked cartons of Harry Popper Condoms) and we’ll refund every penny you’ve spent.”

Adds co-co-founder JR Raphael: “Our new redesign allows us to take on the tech world in newer and even more juvenile ways. We look forward to deeply offending each and every one of you.”

Along with the refreshed design, eSarcasm is pleased to announce it has finally emerged from beta, skipped right over gamma, delta, and epsilon, and gone into zeta. The site’s founders say they had hoped to get into Kappa Kappa Kappa, but their plan was foiled when the house mother peeked under their skirts.

Look for the upcoming bug fixes, eSarcasm 2.01, 2.02, and 2.03, coming to a browser near you.

eSarcasm: One year forward, many steps back

August 2, 2010

One year ago today, the InterWebs was changed forever.

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Longs to Pleasure You In Ways You’ve Never Imagined ™, officially opened its kimono and displayed its wares to the world exactly 365 days ago. Over that time our snarky band of jokesters have produced more than 700 articles, entertained more than 1 million visitors, generated 2 million page views, and earned more than $37 in advertising revenue.

Even we are fucking impressed by this.

Along the way we’ve garnered numerous accolades, including:

“… tasteless, occasionally hilarious, but mostly tasteless…”

“…not for the easily offended or those with sensitive stomachs…”

“… a new low in Internet humor…”

and

“…I can’t believe no one has sued your asses yet…”

(That last one came from our attorney, who is currently defending Dr. Smartass against yet more spurious statutory charges. We can personally vouch he was nowhere near that school at the time of the alleged incident.)

We are humbled by your praise, thrilled by your attention, exhausted by churning out 2+ posts a day and aroused by the thought of doing it again and again and again until we collapse in a sweaty pool of erotic effluvia.

Sorry, got distracted by some porn there for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah: For all that you do, we thank you.

Now go design a funny T-shirt and win yourself an Apple iPad from Fibers.com. You deserve it.

eSarcasm eStore: Now open for business

July 16, 2010

We’re proud to announce another milestone in the evolution of eSarcasm, The Web Site That Builds Strong Bodies 12 Ways ™. Today marks the official entry of eSarcasm into the burgeoning world of eCommerce with the launch of The eSarcasm eStore. Soon our thousands hundreds dozen three fans can own all manner of eSarc regalia, from wittily-captioned T-shirts to coffee mugs, refrigerator magnets, and yes, underwear.

Wear one of these babies on a first date and you’re almost certain to score (though you may be alone when it happens).

“We look forward to dominating the world of eCommerce and putting Amazon.com completely out of business,” says site co-founder and chief body fluids officer (CBFO) JR Raphael. “This should provide a welcome boost of revenue to our operations.”

“Finally we can start to pay off those loan sharks,” agreed co-co-founder and live animal trainer Dan Tynan. “I’m almost out of fingers.”

HELP WANTED: eSarcasm is actively seeking an attractive female between ages of 18 and not dead to model our wares for publication on our site. Applicants should send an email noting their qualifications, a hot picture, and a signed affadavit affirming the picture really is of you to models@esarcasm.com. OK, we’ll settle for the hot photo. But we are serious about the modeling bit.

We were duped!

April 1, 2010

For days now we’ve had some really big news we wanted to share with you, our faithful readers, but we’ve been constrained by a deeply binding Non-Disclosure Agreement. Today was to be the day we let the cat out of the proverbial bag.

Here’s the release we were prepared to send out:

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Can Tie a Cherry Stem In a Knot With Its Tongue (And Also Its Toes) ™, has been acquired by TechCrunch. Beginning immediately, it will become part of the TechCrunch stable of sites. The site’s cofounders, Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, will join the TechCrunch staff and get the opportunity to meet the extremely dishy Evelyn Rusli and the less dishy but still perfectly doable Sarah Lacy.

Amazing, isn’t it? Less than a year after first coming up with the idea for a geek humor portal, we were going to walk away with enough cash in our pockets to buy furniture and have the carpet cleaned. Hookers and blow for everyone!

Today, we heard from TechCrunch’s attorneys (the firm of Eichmann, Himmler, & Goering) that the deal was off. Kaput. Finito. Verklemp. In fact, it was never really on to begin with.

How did this happen? It’s a long story.

When the call came from Arrington’s personal assistant three weeks ago we probably should have been more suspicious. Sure, he sounded a bit young – but with all the unpaid teen interns they’ve got running around there we figured that’s just how they roll. The fact that he insisted on conducting all negotiations himself, and refused to let us speak directly to Arrington, was another clue we should have heeded but didn’t. But when he demanded a MacBook Air laptop in return for being acquired, it began to send off red flags.

By then, we’d totally redesigned our home page to match the TechCrunch look and feel. We’d started doing even less fact checking on our stories than usual. We’d even taken to strutting around the office smoking cigars and browbeating our staff, just to get in the mood.

In hindsight, it was probably not the most logical of unions.

True, we had been occasionally critical of TechCrunch. We’d had a bit of sport poking fun at the CrunchPad JooJoo Tablet fiasco. We’d strongly implied Mr. Arrington was out of his depth when it came to actual journalism and liked to go around in women’s clothing. But we figured, business is business. And, most likely, he was buying us just to shut us up.

That was all right with us. We can be bought. And at the price that Arrington his teen assistant was quoting, they could have bought ten of us, and Doctor Smartass, and still had money left over to visit Club Voyeur with half of the Republican National Committee.

But it was clearly not meant to be. So we’re back where we started — serving the very finest in sophomoric geek humor to you, our faithful regular readers.

We thank you both for your support.

Just Because….

February 13, 2010

The State of the Snark 2010

February 13, 2010

January was a good month for us. We surpassed 200,000 page views for the first time, we posted our 500th story on eSarcasm, and Marissa Mayer actually returned one of our calls. (Technically, it was a pocket call, but we got to hear her breathe. Sometimes that’s enough.)

We marked these milestones in our traditional fashion by watching some raunchy online porn. We also thought you eSarc fans would enjoy some statistics about what we’ve achieved so far. Here they are (and yes, they are all true):

* Nipple slips don’t count.

Thank you for all your support. Thanks also to the 17 people who stumble across this blog every month and say “WTF?” We couldn’t do it without you.

Looking Back at 2009: The Highs, The Lows, & The Marissa

January 13, 2010

Last year was a great one for eSarcasm, The Web Site That Knows How But Pretends It Doesn’t So You Won’t Feel Inadequate ™. So before we get too far into 2010, we wanted to recap some of the highlights of 2009:

* First and foremost, of course: eSarcasm’s official launch in August. That story was rated the fourth most important news event of the year (after Michael Jackson’s death, Balloon boy, and Tiger Woods’ Ho Eruption) by readers of Rehashed/Rewritten, the leading Web site for bloggers with nothing original to report.

* In 2009 we posted more than 400 high-larious stories of a snarkical nature; 327 of them mentioned Michael Arrington, the rest contained the word “boobies”.

* In July, during our soft (or semi-tumescent) launch, hackers broke into the servers at eSarcasm and released confidential memos revealing our plans for world domination and also our lunch menu. We had to regenerate the entire menu from scratch.

* Around that time we also received our first Cease & Desist letter from a fake attorney, which we forwarded to our fake attorneys, who are waiting to generate enough billable hours to make it worth their time to compose a fake response.

* We launched our first banner ads in September, which have already brought in more than $12.37 in click-through payments. We anticipate our revenue run rate to be in the high three figures by Q4 2016.

* The great state of Florida lifted the restraining order on Dr. Smartass, allowing him to finally leave his home again and join our staff. Glad you have you aboard, Doc.

* Several times last year eSarcasm was not acquired by Google, despite being in late-stage negotiations with them on numerous occasions. We hope to continue to not be acquired by them, though we’re still waiting for Marissa Mayer to send those candid cell phone pix she promised.

* In August we began syndicating our content to The Huffington Post, joining an elite cadre of 28,347 other bloggers producing free content for Arianna. She hasn’t asked us to wipe her ass yet, but we’re still waiting.

* In September we held the eSarcasm 50 7, a gathering of some of the most desperate promising startups in tech. Our overall winner? The SuckMaster 5000 industrial shopvac. Eat their shorts, Dyson.

* In October we officially launched our Facebook fan page, which now boasts more than 115 fans, including some of the finest parole breakers and deadbeat dads in the world.

* Over the course of the year we received applications from at least six pitifully under-employed people begging for a job. (Sadly, no one yet qualified to fill the still-open position of Social Media Slut.)

* In November we received a semi-nude photograph from one of our more comely fans, Stacey McCool. (Technically, we found a smaller version on this photo on the InterWebs, but then she sent us a nice high-res version that’s now on a poster in our break room). “Eat a Dick” is now eSarcasm’s new corporate motto. Way to go Stacey!

* In December Snoop Dogg, or somebody who looked (and smelled) a lot like him, performed at our annual Holiday Bash. No charges have been filed.

* That month we also launched our new eSarcasm widgets, which will forever alter life on this planet as we know it. Look for more Widget mania to come in 2010.

* Finally, after months of expensive hormone treatments and shopping at plus-sized mail-order catalogs, company co-founder JR Raphael finally completed his gender reassignment surgery. She will now be known hereafter as RJ Raphael.

Thanks to all our 37 many readers for helping make 2009 the only best year ever for eSarcasm. Long may ye snark.

eSarcasm Unable to Confirm Denial of Google Rumors

December 18, 2009

Rumors are swirling that Google is attempting to purchase eSarcasm, The Web Site That’s Crunchy on the Outside With a Delicious Creamy Filling on the Inside ™.

We can neither confirm nor deny any acquisition talks. We can also neither confirm nor deny that Google has offered us free T-shirts and 24/7 access to the Google Commissary, or that their offices are really really cool looking (did you know that the stairways move around on their own and doors just magically appear, like at Hogwarts?), or that Marissa Mayer is even hotter in person, if that’s possible.

“Of course, if Google were to purchase us, we’d be extremely flattered and deeply aroused,” adds co-co-founder JR Raphael. “But eSarcasm is not for sale. And if it were for sale, we’d certainly be holding out for more money and better looking business cards. We’re just sayin’.”

eSarcasm LLC Announces Reduced Hours for Holiday Week

November 25, 2009

At eSarcasm, Where The Snark Never Stops But Occasionally Pauses To Catch Its Breath And Get A Sip Of Water ™, we work 24-7-365 to bring you the finest in geeky satire and juvenile humor.

But even we like to spend time with our families and parole officers around the holidays. So we’re officially closing up shop effective at 1 pm ET today. Of course, we’ll still have a skeleton crew on hand in case of breaking news (like, for example, Christian Serratos has a nipple slip or the CrunchPad actually appears); Dan and JR will be wearing pagers so they can come in and direct the sarcasm flow. Otherwise, we’ll be re-running some of the funniest stories from our early days when absolutely no one was visiting us.

For those workers who remain on the job, the eSarcateria will be serving Turkey Loaf with giblets, Campbells canned turkey gravy, jellied cranberry sauce (the kind that jiggles for five minutes after it oozes out of the can), and Stovetop Stuffing. Umm-umm. Just like Mom used to make. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!