Archive for the ‘Traffic’ Category

eSarcasm: One year forward, many steps back

August 2, 2010

One year ago today, the InterWebs was changed forever.

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Longs to Pleasure You In Ways You’ve Never Imagined ™, officially opened its kimono and displayed its wares to the world exactly 365 days ago. Over that time our snarky band of jokesters have produced more than 700 articles, entertained more than 1 million visitors, generated 2 million page views, and earned more than $37 in advertising revenue.

Even we are fucking impressed by this.

Along the way we’ve garnered numerous accolades, including:

“… tasteless, occasionally hilarious, but mostly tasteless…”

“…not for the easily offended or those with sensitive stomachs…”

“… a new low in Internet humor…”

and

“…I can’t believe no one has sued your asses yet…”

(That last one came from our attorney, who is currently defending Dr. Smartass against yet more spurious statutory charges. We can personally vouch he was nowhere near that school at the time of the alleged incident.)

We are humbled by your praise, thrilled by your attention, exhausted by churning out 2+ posts a day and aroused by the thought of doing it again and again and again until we collapse in a sweaty pool of erotic effluvia.

Sorry, got distracted by some porn there for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah: For all that you do, we thank you.

Now go design a funny T-shirt and win yourself an Apple iPad from Fibers.com. You deserve it.

eSarcasm Achieves Twitter Milestone

September 21, 2009

eSarcasm, The Site Whose Tweets Cannot Be Beat ™, achieved another milestone yesterday when it surged past the magic 500 Followers mark on Twitter. And, we are proud to report, we did it all without pumping up on ‘roids.*

Thanks largely to our efforts to pander to Twitter users’ raging obsession with themselves while desecrating the memory of Michael Jackson (we love you Michael – but not in that way, if you know what we mean), our follower count grew by more than 12 percent in a single day. Rest assured we’re gonna bang on that drum until it breaks.

So we did some number crunching on who’s following us and why, and the results are damned fascinating:

    seriously hot fake chick on twitter

  • 27.2 percent are Web cam girls who only followed us so we’d look at their ‘hot pics’. Roughly 52 percent of those ‘girls’ are in reality grossly distended guys with hair between their shoulder blades. However, a small percentage of of them also look like this:

    We don’t care how fake they or their boobs are, we’re counting them.

  • 23.4 percent are Social Media Gurus who pelt us with tweets every five minutes. We suppose they have to do something while waiting around all day at the unemployment office.
  • 19.7 percent are Internet Marketers who are dying to tell us how we can become rich via Twitter if we just follow their 27-step program. They also promise they won’t come in our mouths.
  • 11.3 percent are identical profiles with names like edwardt42 and photos of Boring White Men (BWM) attached. It’s nice to know the bots love us, too.
  • 5.2 percent of our followers are Robert Scoble, but only when measured by weight.
  • @GuyKawasaki’s army of faceless drones is following us. But we’re pretty sure they’d follow Satan into hell.
  • @Satan is not following us, thank @God.
  • There are three or four smokin’ hot yet apparently authentic chicks who dig us because we’re funny. We are actively stalking them.

To those who’ve signed onto the eSarc eXpress, we commend you on your excellent taste. Now let’s all go out and kick Ashton Kutcher’s ass.

* Technically, JR’s gender reassignment does involves the use of some steroids, but we got pre-approval for them from the National Bloggers Association.

eSarcasm joins the HuffPo blogerati

August 17, 2009

We’ve broken out the Cristal and snarfed up a bucketful of Beluga caviar. As of today eSarcasm, The Little Site That Could Even When Everyone Else Said ‘Are You Sure You Really Want to Do That? Really?’ ™, is now syndicated on the Huffington Post Comedy page.

esarcasm on huffpo - cropped

Bet you thought we were just kidding.

Getting there wasn’t easy, though. It involved torturous negotiations that lasted weeks. In the end though, DT prevailed, so JR ended up sleeping with Arianna. (He says she’s kind of hot, so long as she doesn’t talk.) A few incriminating photos later, and voila — our Web hipness quotient just went through the friggin roof.

Now we’re BFFs with Alec Baldwin. Jon Stewart wants to be our friend on Facebook. And David Spade keeps leaving voice mails. But we haven’t called him back yet. We’re way too cool.

Another Milestone: Our Very First Cease and Desist Letter

August 5, 2009

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Makes You Feel Good All Under ™, is proud to announce yet another milestone in its short but increasingly fabulous existence.

Thanks to our story “25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know,” we not only topped 15,000 page views (su-weet!) for the first time in a single day, we also received our very first C&D. We are so proud.

It started with a lovely write up by the San Francisco Chronicle’s medical blogger, Doc Gurley. Appropriately, the blurb was accompanied by a lengthy discussion of sexually transmitted diseases and a photo of an enormous foam penis. Here’s what the good doc had to say:

So does all this news mean your sex-positive attitude is starting feel, well, kind of wilted? If so, check out this chortle-worthy article at eSarcasm, titled 25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Need to Know. As the authors put it (tongue firmly in cheek – their own, we presume), “The problem with any list like this is that it’s just not comprehensive enough. There are in fact at least 25 other commonly used abbreviations that enable your teens to have 100 percent safe sex via their cells. And we can’t have that.” My favorites on the list? Number 15: “SC” (translation: still chafing); number 20: “HPIMPNSIM” (translation: I have a popsicle in my pants. No, seriously – it’s melting); and number 25, “HWH?” (translation: Herpes? What herpes?).

Well, we couldn’t let that go unpunished. So our own faux medical expert, Dr. Stanley Dorkus (aka “Dr. Smartass”), penned a sweet thank you note to Gurley. It reads in part:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your lovely inclusion of our lovely site and its lovely information on teens’ tech-tinged love habits. Oh, pardon my twisted tongue (we both know what kind of trouble a twisted tongue can you get you into — HAY-O!). What I mean to say is that we truly appreciate your appreciation of our silly sexting story. The mention within your column gave us all great delight when we came across it whilst enjoying our morning crumpets in our inexplicably foam-filled office.

As a fellow medical writer who frequently covers sex-related subjects, I’m honored to make your acquaintance. Even though the other eSarcasm “writers” are mere journalists — and, between you and me, pretty poor ones at that — I know their simple minds were also delighted by the sight of your story. They even stopped their maddeningly incessant game of Balderdash for a moment to read it.

Anyhoozle, I’m off for my daily visit to HealthyPenis.org (and, truth be told, HPIMPNSIM), so allow me to bid you adieu. I hope you will continue to enjoy the important information we at eSarcasm provide to the online community. Please do feel free to call on me if I can ever be of any medical assistance.

A few minutes later, the following missive landed in our inbox:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

As per the Senior Medical Correspondent Position, Grade III, please be advised that our client, Doc Gurley, is considering legal action against your organization, eSarcasm. Having been passed over for this position in favor of one Dr. (yeah right) Dorkus, your agency has clearly discriminated against our client. You may be unaware that her demographic category (The Dull) has recently been awarded federal protection status.

In an effort to mediate a positive outcome for all parties (and to avoid a profitable, uh, we mean costly, and tragically high-profile career-making Supreme Court reverse-discrimination case), Doc Gurley, against our wishes, has chosen to address you directly. Please see her (hopefully needlessly inflammatory, sure to provoke a counter-suit) missive, below:

The Office of Wham, Bam and Maam, Esqs.

You listen to me, you puffed up hack – you think we don’t know? The entire healthcare blogosphere has done some digging and your credentials are as phony as Barry Bonds’ tox screen. You’re a charlatan, a sham, a,,,an APOTHECARY!! You think you can waltz away with the premiere job at ESPN (eSarcasm Penile Network) and leave me with nothing but a lowly gig at CNN (Cadaver Nose Network)? Then you DARE to write some fake, patronizing oooh, you’re-so-cute-with-your-piddly-writing taunting email…let me tell you, I know some BIG MEN in the TENDERLOIN – and no, that’s not a euphemism – I’ve got connections on the inside, I’m getting a restraining order, you better stay away from dark alleys, I’m gonna take you down……..(static, squawk, screen goes blank).

Please pardon the email interruption – due to, um, technical problems, specifically, correspondent hit by Thorazine blow-dart.

Tune in again next week for CNN sweeps, Treasure Hunt, when we here at Cadaver Nose Network go digging for gold.

With most startups it takes months, even years, to receive these kinds of legal threats. To receive such an honor during our first week of official existence exceeds our wildest dreams. Kudos all around to those who made this possible.

eSarcasm Victimized by Malicious Hacks

July 18, 2009

It is my unfortunate duty to report that some time earlier this week, the servers at eSarcasm.com were hacked, and several dozen confidential company documents were stolen. Apparently, we are not the only Web startup to suffer such a fate recently.

We have been contacted by two news organizations who say they are in posesssion of the documents and intend to publish them on the Interwebs, unless we leave $200 in small unmarked bills in a Peanuts lunch box at a nearby Kinkos.

We do not negotiate with blackmailers. And we do not have $200. So to forestall further attempts at extortion, we have decided to publish relevant excerpts of the stolen documents here. These documents contained information of a highly personal nature, as well as some shit we made up to make us sound really important.

The first documents details our plans for world domination growing the eSarcasm brand, along with projected traffic and revenue run rates.

esarcasm world domination 1 - croppedThe next document contains notes from a discussion about our long-term strategy vis-a-vis Google.

esarcasm world domination 2-cropped

Here’s our growth plan for the next four years. We are already far ahead of our initial projections, by the way.

esarcasm world domination 3-croppedWe are NOT, we repeat, NOT signing a production deal with Judd Apatow to do a TV show based on the lives of two dashing geek humorists. But here’s a memo about that anyway.

esarcasm world domination 5-cropped

Finally, here’s a typical Management Meeting Agenda. We do this kind of stuff all the time. It’s like a friggin who’s who of Hollywood around here.

esarcasm world domination 4-cropped

We are pursuing a path to address the harm caused by these actions and have already reached out to the partners and individuals affected. We are now hiding under our desks holding fireplace pokers and starter pistols, and plan to remain that way until all this shit blows over.

eSarcasm Reaches Traffic Milestone

June 22, 2009

We are pleased and proud to announce that just a few weeks into our ultra-exclusive top secret pre-beta beta testing period, eSarcasm’s monthly traffic is now in the high moderate three-figure range, and well on its way to surpassing four figures before Spring 2012.

“We look forward to a wildly successful future, buying our own island, and lighting our Cubano Robustos with $100 bills,” said co-founder JR Raphael.

In addition, thanks to our eSarcastAnalysis software (patent pending) we’ve been able to take in-depth look at who’s been visiting our site, parsing our audience demographic to an unprecedented degree. Here’s what you look like:

People looking for eOrgazm.com who got lost: 17.2 percent
Ex-girlfriends and other stalkers: 3.6 percent
Family, friends, and relatives to whom we owe money: 12.6 percent
Google bots that mistook us for a porn site: 9.0 percent
DT and JRR obsessively checking the site and chuckling to themselves:  47.8 percent
Fans of snarky geek humor:  .02 percent
Sales tax: 7.75 percent

Thanks to everyone who’s contributed to our overwhelming success. The best is yet to come.