Posts Tagged ‘Twitter’

eSarcasm Achieves Twitter Milestone

September 21, 2009

eSarcasm, The Site Whose Tweets Cannot Be Beat ™, achieved another milestone yesterday when it surged past the magic 500 Followers mark on Twitter. And, we are proud to report, we did it all without pumping up on ‘roids.*

Thanks largely to our efforts to pander to Twitter users’ raging obsession with themselves while desecrating the memory of Michael Jackson (we love you Michael – but not in that way, if you know what we mean), our follower count grew by more than 12 percent in a single day. Rest assured we’re gonna bang on that drum until it breaks.

So we did some number crunching on who’s following us and why, and the results are damned fascinating:

    seriously hot fake chick on twitter

  • 27.2 percent are Web cam girls who only followed us so we’d look at their ‘hot pics’. Roughly 52 percent of those ‘girls’ are in reality grossly distended guys with hair between their shoulder blades. However, a small percentage of of them also look like this:

    We don’t care how fake they or their boobs are, we’re counting them.

  • 23.4 percent are Social Media Gurus who pelt us with tweets every five minutes. We suppose they have to do something while waiting around all day at the unemployment office.
  • 19.7 percent are Internet Marketers who are dying to tell us how we can become rich via Twitter if we just follow their 27-step program. They also promise they won’t come in our mouths.
  • 11.3 percent are identical profiles with names like edwardt42 and photos of Boring White Men (BWM) attached. It’s nice to know the bots love us, too.
  • 5.2 percent of our followers are Robert Scoble, but only when measured by weight.
  • @GuyKawasaki’s army of faceless drones is following us. But we’re pretty sure they’d follow Satan into hell.
  • @Satan is not following us, thank @God.
  • There are three or four smokin’ hot yet apparently authentic chicks who dig us because we’re funny. We are actively stalking them.

To those who’ve signed onto the eSarc eXpress, we commend you on your excellent taste. Now let’s all go out and kick Ashton Kutcher’s ass.

* Technically, JR’s gender reassignment does involves the use of some steroids, but we got pre-approval for them from the National Bloggers Association.

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eSarcasm Victimized by Malicious Hacks

July 18, 2009

It is my unfortunate duty to report that some time earlier this week, the servers at eSarcasm.com were hacked, and several dozen confidential company documents were stolen. Apparently, we are not the only Web startup to suffer such a fate recently.

We have been contacted by two news organizations who say they are in posesssion of the documents and intend to publish them on the Interwebs, unless we leave $200 in small unmarked bills in a Peanuts lunch box at a nearby Kinkos.

We do not negotiate with blackmailers. And we do not have $200. So to forestall further attempts at extortion, we have decided to publish relevant excerpts of the stolen documents here. These documents contained information of a highly personal nature, as well as some shit we made up to make us sound really important.

The first documents details our plans for world domination growing the eSarcasm brand, along with projected traffic and revenue run rates.

esarcasm world domination 1 - croppedThe next document contains notes from a discussion about our long-term strategy vis-a-vis Google.

esarcasm world domination 2-cropped

Here’s our growth plan for the next four years. We are already far ahead of our initial projections, by the way.

esarcasm world domination 3-croppedWe are NOT, we repeat, NOT signing a production deal with Judd Apatow to do a TV show based on the lives of two dashing geek humorists. But here’s a memo about that anyway.

esarcasm world domination 5-cropped

Finally, here’s a typical Management Meeting Agenda. We do this kind of stuff all the time. It’s like a friggin who’s who of Hollywood around here.

esarcasm world domination 4-cropped

We are pursuing a path to address the harm caused by these actions and have already reached out to the partners and individuals affected. We are now hiding under our desks holding fireplace pokers and starter pistols, and plan to remain that way until all this shit blows over.

Sometimes When We Touch….

June 15, 2009

It’s true what you hear. In the wacky world of Web 2.0 startups, it’s one big cocktail party. Everybody knows everybody. Here at eSarcasm, we are on a first-name basis with Biz, Evan, Kevin, Max, Jason, Jonathon, Nick, Eric, Larry, Sergey, John, Om, Robert, Guy, David, Chad, Henry, Chris, Marissa, Matt, Mark, Mark, Marc, Marc, and Mark.

One time Zuckerberg let us touch his Chinos. Another time Michael Arrington almost returned one of our calls. (It was his name on the Caller ID, but there was just a lot of grunting and swearing on the other end — we think it may have been a pocket call.)

It’s not a big deal for us to run into each other at some fabulous party or to do lunch at a four-star restaurant. Sometimes the conversations are casual. Sometimes it’s strictly business. Mostly it’s somewhere in between.

So, yes, it’s true we did meet and have lunch at Google with a couple of guys from their M&A division. I don’t remember their names (frankly, all those Google people look alike to me) but they had very stylish eyewear and were really really smart. And yes, the subject of an acquisition did come up.

Unfortunately, just when we started to talk numbers, JR had an allergic reaction to the entree (grilled manatee with a truffle reduction sauce over a bed of betel-nut-infused couscous) and had to run off to the Googletorium to purge.

And though Google’s initial offer was tempting, it wasn’t nearly enough to sway us from our mission. This is what I told them at the time:

We’ve got big plans for eSarcasm, and no intention of selling to anyone at any price at this time. We plan to do for digital sarcasm what Google Image Search has done for porn — make it freely available to minors and others whose morals are easily warped.

Because that’s just the way we roll.