Posts Tagged ‘Jesus Christ’

eSarcasm Issues Mea Culpa, Throws Itself on Mercy of its Readers

October 21, 2009

At eSarcasm, The Web Site That Gets It Right ™, we take accuracy very seriously. Toward that end we have employed a crack team of Bulgarian fact checkers who spend each day verifying every single fact in every single story, except during the moments when they’re busy breaking CAPTCHA codes in Facebook.

However, even we occasionally make mistakes. We would like to address some of them now.

First, eSarcasm was not, in point of fact, endorsed by the one true Christian god and holy saviour, Jesus Christ, as was reported on August 20, 2009.

We have subsequently learned that the bearded man with the amazingly tranquil eyes was actually Jesus De Christo, an itinerant restaurant worker. Yet he still managed to pass a impressive battery of tests. For example: That walking-on-water business? Acrylic stilts. We’re still not sure how he pulled off the loaves and fishes trick, but our freezer is still stuffed full of Mrs. Paul’s breaded cod fillets. If anybody wants some, let us know. We’re tired of eating them.

At various times and places in this blog we have implied that Michael Arrington, founder of the popular _____Crunch Web franchise, is a douchebag, a pompous arrogant douchebag, and a pompous arrogant cross-dressing douchebag. We have also suggested that he bears an uncanny resemblence to Leonardo the Ninja Turtle. This was of course all in jest. We have the utmost respect for Mr. Arrington and his phalanx of attorneys and would do nothing to dissuade readers from believing everything he says, even when it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

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In an article published earlier today we implied that Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz performed an exotic dance for Yahoo employees in Taiwan wearing nothing but a G-string. We have subsequently learned that this was in fact a Carol Bartz impersonator.

In a related story published last month titled “Yahoo Has a Big One and Wants Everyone to Know It,” we implied that Ms. Bartz has a special fondness for really big dicks. We continue to stand by this story. Because, hell, who doesn’t?

Finally, Steve Jobs was not, we repeat, NOT arrested for shoplifting a can of baked beans from a convenience store in East Palo Alto on June 8 of this year. We sincerely hope that this official retraction is sufficient to secure the release of our loved ones from their holding pen at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters.

eSarcasm regrets the errors.