Posts Tagged ‘hiring’

eSarcasm Seeks Social Media Slut

August 12, 2009

JR and Dan are so busy cranking out award-winning snarky content and schmoozing the crème 2.0 de la crème 2.0 that they simply don’t have time to build up their social media networks. So they’ve decided to outsource.

We’ve just posted the following position to our internal job board, and thought we’d open it up to our thousands hundreds 17 loyal readers:

Position: Social Media Slut

eSarcasm seeks highly motivated individual with good personal grooming, flexible morals, and a strong stomach to raise the site’s profile in the social media community. We’re looking for highly-motivated self starters who are willing to reach out and touch (and we do mean touch) moderators at Slashdot, Digg, TechMeme, Fark, StumbleUpon, and other leading community sites in exchange for favorable rankings. Must be willing to waive all rights to Internet sex videos, real or threatened, produced doing the term of the work engagement.

Position may also involve contact of an erotic but non-prosecutable nature with members of the communities on Digg, i-am-bored, eBaum’s World, and other sites run by the Internet’s Teen Mafia. Pour spelling, Cr3aTiV3 capitalization and the ability to compose messages entirely in Sexting Acronyms is a plus.

Please email a copy of your resume, drivers license and recent STD screens to jobs@esarcasm.com. You may also snail mail copies to us at our lavish corporate offices, though we promise not to take you very seriously:

eSarcasm, LLC
4320 Deerwood Lake Parkway, Suite 423
Jacksonville, FL 32216

eSarcasm is also seeking to fill several other open positions, including rodeo clown, human shield, and Guy Who Walks Around All Day Saying ‘This Job Sucks Ass’. See “We’re Hiring!” below.

We’re Hiring!

June 1, 2009

Yes, even in a down economy, the electronic sarcasm market is booming. We are seeking bright, talented people with good personal hygiene and low self esteem.

We have openings for highly committed individuals with the following job skills:

Executive Assistant
Personal Chef
Gal Friday
Best Boy
Lackey
Brown Noser
Bootlicker
Groveling Sycophant
Toady
Person who files Worker’s Comp claim one day after           probationary period ends
Bouncer
Rodeo Clown
Floorwalker
Streetwalker
Carnie
Mindless Drone
Office Slut
Feng Shui Specialist
Segway Repairman person
Person who changes titles ending in ‘man’ so they end        in ‘person’
Bosun’s Mate
Pinch Runner
Affirmative Action Case
Spirit Guide
Seth Godin
Obsessive Twitterer
Guy who walks around all day saying “this job sucks ass”
Gaffer
Fluffer
TechCrunch Refugee
Mullah
Guest Host
Guy who sits on couch next to Guest Host and cries out      “Hi-yoooo!”
Social Media Guru/Aerobics Instructor
Blank Check Writer
Roughneck
Celebutard
Shiftless No Account Brother In Law
Life Coach/Waiter
Individual with insufficient level of self loathing to work      for Gawker Media
Typewriter Maintenance Expert

Candidates must be willing to work unbearably long hours and speak in a fake posh accent.

Regrettably, we are unable to offer payment for services at this time. But we do provide a ground floor opportunity to join a vibrant growing company that will soon overtake Google and dominate the known universe, as well as the chance to complain bitterly later about how we all got reamed by our VCs.

Interested individuals should send a resume (one single-spaced page, 12-point Courier, no Wite-Out), a financial statement indicating total net worth including trust fund, three forms of photo ID, and a stool sample to HR@esarcasm.com. Please allow 6 to 384 weeks for a response.