Posts Tagged ‘Facebook’

Looking Back at 2009: The Highs, The Lows, & The Marissa

January 13, 2010

Last year was a great one for eSarcasm, The Web Site That Knows How But Pretends It Doesn’t So You Won’t Feel Inadequate ™. So before we get too far into 2010, we wanted to recap some of the highlights of 2009:

* First and foremost, of course: eSarcasm’s official launch in August. That story was rated the fourth most important news event of the year (after Michael Jackson’s death, Balloon boy, and Tiger Woods’ Ho Eruption) by readers of Rehashed/Rewritten, the leading Web site for bloggers with nothing original to report.

* In 2009 we posted more than 400 high-larious stories of a snarkical nature; 327 of them mentioned Michael Arrington, the rest contained the word “boobies”.

* In July, during our soft (or semi-tumescent) launch, hackers broke into the servers at eSarcasm and released confidential memos revealing our plans for world domination and also our lunch menu. We had to regenerate the entire menu from scratch.

* Around that time we also received our first Cease & Desist letter from a fake attorney, which we forwarded to our fake attorneys, who are waiting to generate enough billable hours to make it worth their time to compose a fake response.

* We launched our first banner ads in September, which have already brought in more than $12.37 in click-through payments. We anticipate our revenue run rate to be in the high three figures by Q4 2016.

* The great state of Florida lifted the restraining order on Dr. Smartass, allowing him to finally leave his home again and join our staff. Glad you have you aboard, Doc.

* Several times last year eSarcasm was not acquired by Google, despite being in late-stage negotiations with them on numerous occasions. We hope to continue to not be acquired by them, though we’re still waiting for Marissa Mayer to send those candid cell phone pix she promised.

* In August we began syndicating our content to The Huffington Post, joining an elite cadre of 28,347 other bloggers producing free content for Arianna. She hasn’t asked us to wipe her ass yet, but we’re still waiting.

* In September we held the eSarcasm 50 7, a gathering of some of the most desperate promising startups in tech. Our overall winner? The SuckMaster 5000 industrial shopvac. Eat their shorts, Dyson.

* In October we officially launched our Facebook fan page, which now boasts more than 115 fans, including some of the finest parole breakers and deadbeat dads in the world.

* Over the course of the year we received applications from at least six pitifully under-employed people begging for a job. (Sadly, no one yet qualified to fill the still-open position of Social Media Slut.)

* In November we received a semi-nude photograph from one of our more comely fans, Stacey McCool. (Technically, we found a smaller version on this photo on the InterWebs, but then she sent us a nice high-res version that’s now on a poster in our break room). “Eat a Dick” is now eSarcasm’s new corporate motto. Way to go Stacey!

* In December Snoop Dogg, or somebody who looked (and smelled) a lot like him, performed at our annual Holiday Bash. No charges have been filed.

* That month we also launched our new eSarcasm widgets, which will forever alter life on this planet as we know it. Look for more Widget mania to come in 2010.

* Finally, after months of expensive hormone treatments and shopping at plus-sized mail-order catalogs, company co-founder JR Raphael finally completed his gender reassignment surgery. She will now be known hereafter as RJ Raphael.

Thanks to all our 37 many readers for helping make 2009 the only best year ever for eSarcasm. Long may ye snark.

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Sometimes When We Touch….

June 15, 2009

It’s true what you hear. In the wacky world of Web 2.0 startups, it’s one big cocktail party. Everybody knows everybody. Here at eSarcasm, we are on a first-name basis with Biz, Evan, Kevin, Max, Jason, Jonathon, Nick, Eric, Larry, Sergey, John, Om, Robert, Guy, David, Chad, Henry, Chris, Marissa, Matt, Mark, Mark, Marc, Marc, and Mark.

One time Zuckerberg let us touch his Chinos. Another time Michael Arrington almost returned one of our calls. (It was his name on the Caller ID, but there was just a lot of grunting and swearing on the other end — we think it may have been a pocket call.)

It’s not a big deal for us to run into each other at some fabulous party or to do lunch at a four-star restaurant. Sometimes the conversations are casual. Sometimes it’s strictly business. Mostly it’s somewhere in between.

So, yes, it’s true we did meet and have lunch at Google with a couple of guys from their M&A division. I don’t remember their names (frankly, all those Google people look alike to me) but they had very stylish eyewear and were really really smart. And yes, the subject of an acquisition did come up.

Unfortunately, just when we started to talk numbers, JR had an allergic reaction to the entree (grilled manatee with a truffle reduction sauce over a bed of betel-nut-infused couscous) and had to run off to the Googletorium to purge.

And though Google’s initial offer was tempting, it wasn’t nearly enough to sway us from our mission. This is what I told them at the time:

We’ve got big plans for eSarcasm, and no intention of selling to anyone at any price at this time. We plan to do for digital sarcasm what Google Image Search has done for porn — make it freely available to minors and others whose morals are easily warped.

Because that’s just the way we roll.