Posts Tagged ‘esarcasm’

Sarc.me? Sarc.you!

November 22, 2010

O to the M to the G, dude: eSarcasm, The Web That Always Sneaks Out Before You Wake Up In The Morning ™, has just revolutionized the Internet. Again.

eSarcasm is aroused to announce the debut of its magical new URL shortener, Sarc.me. Starting right…now, Sarc.me will change the way millions thousands hundreds dozens of users share snarky geek humor across the Interwebbular Plateaus.

How will it work, you ask? Well, pretty much like every other URL shortener out there. But instead of something drab like “Bit.ly” or “Ow.ly,” it’ll say “Sarc.me” — and people think that’s kinda neat.

“That’s kinda neat,” said some guy we made up in order to prove our aforementioned point.

Sarc.me rolled out in a limited beta late last week and is now fully operational. Anytime you share a link from one of eSarcasm’s convenient in-site Twitter buttons, the Sarc.me interface will automatically deploy. Like some sort of really cool rocket on a futuristic spaceship. Even The Wall Street Journal‘s Walt Mossberg agrees.

“I agree,” Walt Mossberg remarked.*

Effective immediately, all links sent out by eSarcasm’s generously girthed Twitter account will also feature the new Sarc.me URL shortening experience.

“This is an enormous step forward for the dissemination of sarcastic material,” said eSarcasm Chair Dan Tynan.

“You said ‘semination,'” added eSarcasm Sofa JR Raphael.

Tynan and Raphael admit that Sarc.me wasn’t their first choice for a URL shortening platform — Fuck.me, Blow.me, and Suck.me were unfortunately already taken — but they only admit that because we gave them lots of liquor and subjected them to 20 minutes of intensive tickling. Otherwise, they’d totally deny it and insist that Sarc.me was always the only option.

* Full disclosure: Walt Mossberg was not actually talking about the Sarc.me URL shortener when he made that remark.

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eSarcasm: Now Banned at a Corporation Near You

March 4, 2010

eSarcasm, The Web Site With Abnormally Muscular Thighs ™, is pleased to announce a new milestone in its mission to offend everyone in the civilized world.

As of March 2010, eSarcasm appears to have been blocked by Websense, a “Web filtering” company used by numerous corporations to keep their minions from staring at boobies protect their employees from potentially objectionable content.

An alert reader in Alabama first picked up on the change, informing eSarcasm staff that the eSarcasm.com site was no longer accessible from his workplace. eSarcasm’s esteemed board of directors immediately responded to the news.

“We are thrilled to be in the company of such fine publications as Playboy, Penthouse, and Hot Naked Sluts On Their Knees,” remarked eSarcasm Director of Vulgarity Dan Tynan.

“Hey, what’s the password to that Hot Naked Sluts site?” added JR Raphael, eSarcasm’s executive supervisor of pornographic activity.

While eSarcasm cannot be certain of the reason for its corporate banning, an internal probe has determined the event could possibly be tied to one of the following items:

Then again, it could have also been our disturbingly nude portrayal of Facebook head honcho Mark Zuckerberg, our repeated proclamations that Jesus Christ had endorsed us, or our frank discussion about why drunk girls are most likely to go down on you. Or any of the countless other inappropriate things we’ve published over the past year; to be honest, we’ve kind of lost track.

Regardless of the reason, eSarcasm would like to extend its deepest gratitude to Websense for bestowing this great honor upon our humble site. And, just to make sure that this blog is also banned, we’d like to let them know that they’re a bunch of ass-gobbling fuckhead shit-turds.

Looking Back at 2009: The Highs, The Lows, & The Marissa

January 13, 2010

Last year was a great one for eSarcasm, The Web Site That Knows How But Pretends It Doesn’t So You Won’t Feel Inadequate ™. So before we get too far into 2010, we wanted to recap some of the highlights of 2009:

* First and foremost, of course: eSarcasm’s official launch in August. That story was rated the fourth most important news event of the year (after Michael Jackson’s death, Balloon boy, and Tiger Woods’ Ho Eruption) by readers of Rehashed/Rewritten, the leading Web site for bloggers with nothing original to report.

* In 2009 we posted more than 400 high-larious stories of a snarkical nature; 327 of them mentioned Michael Arrington, the rest contained the word “boobies”.

* In July, during our soft (or semi-tumescent) launch, hackers broke into the servers at eSarcasm and released confidential memos revealing our plans for world domination and also our lunch menu. We had to regenerate the entire menu from scratch.

* Around that time we also received our first Cease & Desist letter from a fake attorney, which we forwarded to our fake attorneys, who are waiting to generate enough billable hours to make it worth their time to compose a fake response.

* We launched our first banner ads in September, which have already brought in more than $12.37 in click-through payments. We anticipate our revenue run rate to be in the high three figures by Q4 2016.

* The great state of Florida lifted the restraining order on Dr. Smartass, allowing him to finally leave his home again and join our staff. Glad you have you aboard, Doc.

* Several times last year eSarcasm was not acquired by Google, despite being in late-stage negotiations with them on numerous occasions. We hope to continue to not be acquired by them, though we’re still waiting for Marissa Mayer to send those candid cell phone pix she promised.

* In August we began syndicating our content to The Huffington Post, joining an elite cadre of 28,347 other bloggers producing free content for Arianna. She hasn’t asked us to wipe her ass yet, but we’re still waiting.

* In September we held the eSarcasm 50 7, a gathering of some of the most desperate promising startups in tech. Our overall winner? The SuckMaster 5000 industrial shopvac. Eat their shorts, Dyson.

* In October we officially launched our Facebook fan page, which now boasts more than 115 fans, including some of the finest parole breakers and deadbeat dads in the world.

* Over the course of the year we received applications from at least six pitifully under-employed people begging for a job. (Sadly, no one yet qualified to fill the still-open position of Social Media Slut.)

* In November we received a semi-nude photograph from one of our more comely fans, Stacey McCool. (Technically, we found a smaller version on this photo on the InterWebs, but then she sent us a nice high-res version that’s now on a poster in our break room). “Eat a Dick” is now eSarcasm’s new corporate motto. Way to go Stacey!

* In December Snoop Dogg, or somebody who looked (and smelled) a lot like him, performed at our annual Holiday Bash. No charges have been filed.

* That month we also launched our new eSarcasm widgets, which will forever alter life on this planet as we know it. Look for more Widget mania to come in 2010.

* Finally, after months of expensive hormone treatments and shopping at plus-sized mail-order catalogs, company co-founder JR Raphael finally completed his gender reassignment surgery. She will now be known hereafter as RJ Raphael.

Thanks to all our 37 many readers for helping make 2009 the only best year ever for eSarcasm. Long may ye snark.