Posts Tagged ‘Dr. Smartass’

Yes, of course it was a hoax. Duh.

September 23, 2011

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Is Alternately All Things To All People and Nothing to No One ™, admits that it has perpetrated a hoax upon the world. Co-founder Dan Tynan did not actually leave the blog, despite his needlessly melodramatic public resignation one week ago.

It was all a carefully planned hoax designed to drive traffic to our annual eRupt Conference, held at the Holiday Inn’s Pocahontas Room in beautiful Alachua, Florida.

We invested significant coin in that conference. We bought a six-foot deli sandwich and an entire case of Seagrams Tahitian Sunset Wine Coolers for this thing, and we’d have been totally screwed if nobody else showed up.

We apologize to any readers who were fooled, flummoxed, bewitched, bamboozled or deeply aroused by the hoax.

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eSarcasm: One year forward, many steps back

August 2, 2010

One year ago today, the InterWebs was changed forever.

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Longs to Pleasure You In Ways You’ve Never Imagined ™, officially opened its kimono and displayed its wares to the world exactly 365 days ago. Over that time our snarky band of jokesters have produced more than 700 articles, entertained more than 1 million visitors, generated 2 million page views, and earned more than $37 in advertising revenue.

Even we are fucking impressed by this.

Along the way we’ve garnered numerous accolades, including:

“… tasteless, occasionally hilarious, but mostly tasteless…”

“…not for the easily offended or those with sensitive stomachs…”

“… a new low in Internet humor…”

and

“…I can’t believe no one has sued your asses yet…”

(That last one came from our attorney, who is currently defending Dr. Smartass against yet more spurious statutory charges. We can personally vouch he was nowhere near that school at the time of the alleged incident.)

We are humbled by your praise, thrilled by your attention, exhausted by churning out 2+ posts a day and aroused by the thought of doing it again and again and again until we collapse in a sweaty pool of erotic effluvia.

Sorry, got distracted by some porn there for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah: For all that you do, we thank you.

Now go design a funny T-shirt and win yourself an Apple iPad from Fibers.com. You deserve it.

eSarcasm Welcomes Dr. Smartass

July 24, 2009

dr-smartass-at-esarcasm-dot-comWe are pleased to announce the newest member of our eSarcasm team, Dr. Stanley L. Dorkus, Ph.D., aka Dr. Smartass.

Dr. Dorkus holds a doctorate in applied cosmetology from the Milfus Institute as well as a certificate in Advanced Flirting from The Learning Annex. He has served on the president’s council for physical fitness (honorary member) and on the boards of several corporations currently under investigation by the SEC, though he has been cleared of all charges.

In addition to his numerous academic honors, Dorkus has been practicing gynecology for more than 20 years. He hopes one day to obtain a medical degree so he can learn the names of all those pink bits.

“It is a pleasure and quite frankly a relief to have someone with real fake scientific credentials on the team here at eSarcasm,” says co-founder Dan Tynan. “Now we finally have somebody to blame when we screw things up.”

Dorkus was originally slated to join the team back in May during our pre-pre-pre Alpha phase, but unforeseen circumstances delayed his arrival. Fortunately, good behavior and a sympathetic judge enabled the doctor to climb aboard as we steam toward our official launch.

According to Dorkus, it was just a silly misunderstanding.

“That was purely a case of mistaken identity,” he explains. “How was I to know she’d borrowed her older sister’s ID?”

Dorkus will oversee eSarcasm’s coverage of dubious scientific studies and pen an advice column called Ask Dr. Smartass, where he will answer questions of a geeky nature from readers, once we actually have some.

“We look forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Dr. Dorkus,” says co-co-founder JR Raphael, “provided he stays at least 500 yards away from any secondary schools. We can’t afford any more legal bills.”