Posts Tagged ‘bribes’

Dear FTC: We’re Just Dirty Little Whores

October 8, 2009

We understand the Federal Trade Commission is cracking down on bloggers who accept gifts and other compensation from companies in exchange for saying nice things about them.

In short: If you are ho’s, you must disclose.

We don’t want to do anything to piss off the FTC, especially given JR’s arrest record and all those “three strikes and you’re out” laws. So we’ve decided to make a full and complete disclosure of all considerations given in exchange for coverage on eSarcasm, The Web Site Where Graft Knows No Limits ™. They are as follows:

* We accepted 14 flesh-toned brassieres in exchange for our story on high-tech bras. Unfortunately, they only fit Dan; JR recently got implants and is now a proud 36C.

* We accepted 29 new Windows Mobile phones in exchange for not writing a story on 10 New Windows Mobile Apps We’d Like to See. On the downside, we forgot to keep up our end of the deal. On the upside, those things are great for impromptu dominoes games.

* In exchange for writing about Twitter on a seemingly daily basis (see here, here, here, here, and here) we accepted a promise of super-charged Twitter accounts that would be impervious to site failures. So far, we’ve only gotten 83 fail whales in the week since making this deal, so it does seem to be an improvement.

* We accepted four clumps of poo-crusted primate fur from Ardi, the first known human, in exchange for “making her titties look fly” in her photo. (She didn’t quite understand how Photoshop worked, but we accepted the fur anyway. It looks lovely in our kitchenette.)

* As a result of our post about Wikipedia Flavored Beef, we are now allowed to eat for free at the Green Tea restaurant. We still haven’t gotten up the nerve to order the Mysterious Taste Chicken, though.

* Dr. Smartass has been given a free lifetime supply of rectal thermometers from Glass-in-Your-Ass Inc. No reason, he just likes them.

* On a few occasions we have received bundles of small unmarked bills in the mail. Each one contained a handwritten note saying things like “enough already” and “cut the crap,” with the initials M. A. at the bottom. We assumed these were attempts by Michael Arrington to buy our silence. No amount of money would ever be enough for that; making fun of him is just too much damned fun. (We spent the money on online porn, as we believe Mike intended us to.)

* Finally, every woman profiled as a Hump Day Hottie on our site has provided us with favors of a sexual nature.*

*Note: This hasn’t actually happened yet. But any hot models and slutty actresses reading this post may consider it a standing offer.

Well that’s a load off our minds. Thank you FTC, for the opportunity to finally come clean.

eSarcasm Welcomes Dr. Smartass

July 24, 2009

dr-smartass-at-esarcasm-dot-comWe are pleased to announce the newest member of our eSarcasm team, Dr. Stanley L. Dorkus, Ph.D., aka Dr. Smartass.

Dr. Dorkus holds a doctorate in applied cosmetology from the Milfus Institute as well as a certificate in Advanced Flirting from The Learning Annex. He has served on the president’s council for physical fitness (honorary member) and on the boards of several corporations currently under investigation by the SEC, though he has been cleared of all charges.

In addition to his numerous academic honors, Dorkus has been practicing gynecology for more than 20 years. He hopes one day to obtain a medical degree so he can learn the names of all those pink bits.

“It is a pleasure and quite frankly a relief to have someone with real fake scientific credentials on the team here at eSarcasm,” says co-founder Dan Tynan. “Now we finally have somebody to blame when we screw things up.”

Dorkus was originally slated to join the team back in May during our pre-pre-pre Alpha phase, but unforeseen circumstances delayed his arrival. Fortunately, good behavior and a sympathetic judge enabled the doctor to climb aboard as we steam toward our official launch.

According to Dorkus, it was just a silly misunderstanding.

“That was purely a case of mistaken identity,” he explains. “How was I to know she’d borrowed her older sister’s ID?”

Dorkus will oversee eSarcasm’s coverage of dubious scientific studies and pen an advice column called Ask Dr. Smartass, where he will answer questions of a geeky nature from readers, once we actually have some.

“We look forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Dr. Dorkus,” says co-co-founder JR Raphael, “provided he stays at least 500 yards away from any secondary schools. We can’t afford any more legal bills.”