Posts Tagged ‘bootlicking’

We’re Hiring!

June 1, 2009

Yes, even in a down economy, the electronic sarcasm market is booming. We are seeking bright, talented people with good personal hygiene and low self esteem.

We have openings for highly committed individuals with the following job skills:

Executive Assistant
Personal Chef
Gal Friday
Best Boy
Brown Noser
Groveling Sycophant
Person who files Worker’s Comp claim one day after           probationary period ends
Rodeo Clown
Mindless Drone
Office Slut
Feng Shui Specialist
Segway Repairman person
Person who changes titles ending in ‘man’ so they end        in ‘person’
Bosun’s Mate
Pinch Runner
Affirmative Action Case
Spirit Guide
Seth Godin
Obsessive Twitterer
Guy who walks around all day saying “this job sucks ass”
TechCrunch Refugee
Guest Host
Guy who sits on couch next to Guest Host and cries out      “Hi-yoooo!”
Social Media Guru/Aerobics Instructor
Blank Check Writer
Shiftless No Account Brother In Law
Life Coach/Waiter
Individual with insufficient level of self loathing to work      for Gawker Media
Typewriter Maintenance Expert

Candidates must be willing to work unbearably long hours and speak in a fake posh accent.

Regrettably, we are unable to offer payment for services at this time. But we do provide a ground floor opportunity to join a vibrant growing company that will soon overtake Google and dominate the known universe, as well as the chance to complain bitterly later about how we all got reamed by our VCs.

Interested individuals should send a resume (one single-spaced page, 12-point Courier, no Wite-Out), a financial statement indicating total net worth including trust fund, three forms of photo ID, and a stool sample to Please allow 6 to 384 weeks for a response.