eSarcasm Achieves Twitter Milestone

September 21, 2009 by

eSarcasm, The Site Whose Tweets Cannot Be Beat ™, achieved another milestone yesterday when it surged past the magic 500 Followers mark on Twitter. And, we are proud to report, we did it all without pumping up on ‘roids.*

Thanks largely to our efforts to pander to Twitter users’ raging obsession with themselves while desecrating the memory of Michael Jackson (we love you Michael – but not in that way, if you know what we mean), our follower count grew by more than 12 percent in a single day. Rest assured we’re gonna bang on that drum until it breaks.

So we did some number crunching on who’s following us and why, and the results are damned fascinating:

    seriously hot fake chick on twitter

  • 27.2 percent are Web cam girls who only followed us so we’d look at their ‘hot pics’. Roughly 52 percent of those ‘girls’ are in reality grossly distended guys with hair between their shoulder blades. However, a small percentage of of them also look like this:

    We don’t care how fake they or their boobs are, we’re counting them.

  • 23.4 percent are Social Media Gurus who pelt us with tweets every five minutes. We suppose they have to do something while waiting around all day at the unemployment office.
  • 19.7 percent are Internet Marketers who are dying to tell us how we can become rich via Twitter if we just follow their 27-step program. They also promise they won’t come in our mouths.
  • 11.3 percent are identical profiles with names like edwardt42 and photos of Boring White Men (BWM) attached. It’s nice to know the bots love us, too.
  • 5.2 percent of our followers are Robert Scoble, but only when measured by weight.
  • @GuyKawasaki’s army of faceless drones is following us. But we’re pretty sure they’d follow Satan into hell.
  • @Satan is not following us, thank @God.
  • There are three or four smokin’ hot yet apparently authentic chicks who dig us because we’re funny. We are actively stalking them.

To those who’ve signed onto the eSarc eXpress, we commend you on your excellent taste. Now let’s all go out and kick Ashton Kutcher’s ass.

* Technically, JR’s gender reassignment does involves the use of some steroids, but we got pre-approval for them from the National Bloggers Association.

The eSarcasm 50: A huge success

September 16, 2009 by

Well it’s been a fabulous two days hours. We’ve just wrapped up our first annual gathering of eSarcasm 50, a gathering of the hottest tech start-ups desperate for any kind of media attention, no matter how pitiful.

Because of the economy and other factors, attendance was a shade lower than we’d anticipated. Only a handful of the companies we’d invited to attend actually showed up. But the ones that did appear were truly amazing. We were completely blown away by their products, their enthusiasm, and the amount of cheese whiz they managed to consume.

Thanks to all the attendees, especially those who chipped in for the bail money to get JR Raphael released on his own recognizance. Good news: The hotel has agreed to not press charges provided we pay for the cleaning bills, reimburse the owner of the horse, and promise to never ever hold any events there again. All in all, a tremendous success.

eSarcasm Banned From App Store, China

September 2, 2009 by

We regret to report that eSarcasm has been banned from both Apple’s App Store and the People’s Republic of China. We received word from both entities this week.

The bannings come as a result of our recent story entitled “Apple, China to Collectively Oppress with iPhone Deal.” The story, a satirical look at the parallels between Apple’s and China’s Communist regimes, detailed plans for the upcoming iPhone launch in China. Among its assertions was the pending development of several new China-specific iPhone apps, including:

  • iLove the Government: A mandatory app that runs semihourly, whether you activate it or not. Based on Apple’s “iLove Steve Jobs” app, which will be built into the upcoming Snow Leopard release.
  • The Little White Book: Inspirational work mixes wisdom from Chairman Mao with new aphorisms from Chairman Steve, such as “Only running dog imperialists use Windows” and “Power comes at the end of a user license agreement.”
  • iMade This iPhone: Available for all surviving factory workers to express their anguish pride.

Neither the Chinese government nor the Apple dictatorship, seemingly, was amused. In a joint notification sent to eSarcasm LLC via e-mail, the entities stated the following:

Your story makes Apple look like an overrated Communist regime. This duplicates the functionality already present in all Apple products and actions, which may lead to user confusion. Plus, we really don’t like you guys. Consider yourselves permanently rejected, suckers.

你是一个非常糟糕的人。我们阻止你的计算机中。如果你来我们国家,我们报名参加奥运会体操训练营的孩子。

(Rough translation: “You are very bad man. We block you from Chinese computer. If you come to our nation, we enroll your children in gymnast boot camp.”)

eSarcasm principals JR Raphael and Dan Tynan declined to comment directly on the decision, expressing instead only optimism about the future.

“We will continue to work to bring our services to iPhone users — for example, by taking advantage of advances in pornography peddling,” Tynan explained.

“Hey, you want to go get some nachos?” Raphael added.

The FCC was reportedly going to investigate the eSarcasm banning and whether it involved Apple and China using their dominant positions to stifle innovation. They then, however, read this story (“New FCC ‘S&M Kit’ to Block Sex, Violence From Teens”) and told Dan and JR to go fuck themselves.

eSarcasm joins the HuffPo blogerati

August 17, 2009 by

We’ve broken out the Cristal and snarfed up a bucketful of Beluga caviar. As of today eSarcasm, The Little Site That Could Even When Everyone Else Said ‘Are You Sure You Really Want to Do That? Really?’ ™, is now syndicated on the Huffington Post Comedy page.

esarcasm on huffpo - cropped

Bet you thought we were just kidding.

Getting there wasn’t easy, though. It involved torturous negotiations that lasted weeks. In the end though, DT prevailed, so JR ended up sleeping with Arianna. (He says she’s kind of hot, so long as she doesn’t talk.) A few incriminating photos later, and voila — our Web hipness quotient just went through the friggin roof.

Now we’re BFFs with Alec Baldwin. Jon Stewart wants to be our friend on Facebook. And David Spade keeps leaving voice mails. But we haven’t called him back yet. We’re way too cool.

eSarcasm Seeks Social Media Slut

August 12, 2009 by

JR and Dan are so busy cranking out award-winning snarky content and schmoozing the crème 2.0 de la crème 2.0 that they simply don’t have time to build up their social media networks. So they’ve decided to outsource.

We’ve just posted the following position to our internal job board, and thought we’d open it up to our thousands hundreds 17 loyal readers:

Position: Social Media Slut

eSarcasm seeks highly motivated individual with good personal grooming, flexible morals, and a strong stomach to raise the site’s profile in the social media community. We’re looking for highly-motivated self starters who are willing to reach out and touch (and we do mean touch) moderators at Slashdot, Digg, TechMeme, Fark, StumbleUpon, and other leading community sites in exchange for favorable rankings. Must be willing to waive all rights to Internet sex videos, real or threatened, produced doing the term of the work engagement.

Position may also involve contact of an erotic but non-prosecutable nature with members of the communities on Digg, i-am-bored, eBaum’s World, and other sites run by the Internet’s Teen Mafia. Pour spelling, Cr3aTiV3 capitalization and the ability to compose messages entirely in Sexting Acronyms is a plus.

Please email a copy of your resume, drivers license and recent STD screens to jobs@esarcasm.com. You may also snail mail copies to us at our lavish corporate offices, though we promise not to take you very seriously:

eSarcasm, LLC
4320 Deerwood Lake Parkway, Suite 423
Jacksonville, FL 32216

eSarcasm is also seeking to fill several other open positions, including rodeo clown, human shield, and Guy Who Walks Around All Day Saying ‘This Job Sucks Ass’. See “We’re Hiring!” below.

Another Milestone: Our Very First Cease and Desist Letter

August 5, 2009 by

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Makes You Feel Good All Under ™, is proud to announce yet another milestone in its short but increasingly fabulous existence.

Thanks to our story “25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know,” we not only topped 15,000 page views (su-weet!) for the first time in a single day, we also received our very first C&D. We are so proud.

It started with a lovely write up by the San Francisco Chronicle’s medical blogger, Doc Gurley. Appropriately, the blurb was accompanied by a lengthy discussion of sexually transmitted diseases and a photo of an enormous foam penis. Here’s what the good doc had to say:

So does all this news mean your sex-positive attitude is starting feel, well, kind of wilted? If so, check out this chortle-worthy article at eSarcasm, titled 25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Need to Know. As the authors put it (tongue firmly in cheek – their own, we presume), “The problem with any list like this is that it’s just not comprehensive enough. There are in fact at least 25 other commonly used abbreviations that enable your teens to have 100 percent safe sex via their cells. And we can’t have that.” My favorites on the list? Number 15: “SC” (translation: still chafing); number 20: “HPIMPNSIM” (translation: I have a popsicle in my pants. No, seriously – it’s melting); and number 25, “HWH?” (translation: Herpes? What herpes?).

Well, we couldn’t let that go unpunished. So our own faux medical expert, Dr. Stanley Dorkus (aka “Dr. Smartass”), penned a sweet thank you note to Gurley. It reads in part:

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your lovely inclusion of our lovely site and its lovely information on teens’ tech-tinged love habits. Oh, pardon my twisted tongue (we both know what kind of trouble a twisted tongue can you get you into — HAY-O!). What I mean to say is that we truly appreciate your appreciation of our silly sexting story. The mention within your column gave us all great delight when we came across it whilst enjoying our morning crumpets in our inexplicably foam-filled office.

As a fellow medical writer who frequently covers sex-related subjects, I’m honored to make your acquaintance. Even though the other eSarcasm “writers” are mere journalists — and, between you and me, pretty poor ones at that — I know their simple minds were also delighted by the sight of your story. They even stopped their maddeningly incessant game of Balderdash for a moment to read it.

Anyhoozle, I’m off for my daily visit to HealthyPenis.org (and, truth be told, HPIMPNSIM), so allow me to bid you adieu. I hope you will continue to enjoy the important information we at eSarcasm provide to the online community. Please do feel free to call on me if I can ever be of any medical assistance.

A few minutes later, the following missive landed in our inbox:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

As per the Senior Medical Correspondent Position, Grade III, please be advised that our client, Doc Gurley, is considering legal action against your organization, eSarcasm. Having been passed over for this position in favor of one Dr. (yeah right) Dorkus, your agency has clearly discriminated against our client. You may be unaware that her demographic category (The Dull) has recently been awarded federal protection status.

In an effort to mediate a positive outcome for all parties (and to avoid a profitable, uh, we mean costly, and tragically high-profile career-making Supreme Court reverse-discrimination case), Doc Gurley, against our wishes, has chosen to address you directly. Please see her (hopefully needlessly inflammatory, sure to provoke a counter-suit) missive, below:

The Office of Wham, Bam and Maam, Esqs.

You listen to me, you puffed up hack – you think we don’t know? The entire healthcare blogosphere has done some digging and your credentials are as phony as Barry Bonds’ tox screen. You’re a charlatan, a sham, a,,,an APOTHECARY!! You think you can waltz away with the premiere job at ESPN (eSarcasm Penile Network) and leave me with nothing but a lowly gig at CNN (Cadaver Nose Network)? Then you DARE to write some fake, patronizing oooh, you’re-so-cute-with-your-piddly-writing taunting email…let me tell you, I know some BIG MEN in the TENDERLOIN – and no, that’s not a euphemism – I’ve got connections on the inside, I’m getting a restraining order, you better stay away from dark alleys, I’m gonna take you down……..(static, squawk, screen goes blank).

Please pardon the email interruption – due to, um, technical problems, specifically, correspondent hit by Thorazine blow-dart.

Tune in again next week for CNN sweeps, Treasure Hunt, when we here at Cadaver Nose Network go digging for gold.

With most startups it takes months, even years, to receive these kinds of legal threats. To receive such an honor during our first week of official existence exceeds our wildest dreams. Kudos all around to those who made this possible.

eSarcasm opens the kimono, shows its dangly bits

July 31, 2009 by

Here at eSarcasm, The Website That Cares Deeply About Each and Every One of You ™, we’re tingling with excitement. Why? Because beginning Monday, August 3, we will be officially launched unto the world.

We’re practically wetting ourselves (technically, JR has already wet himself, but that’s a separate medical issue I’d rather not get into right now). It’s been a long hard struggle to get the site in shape for its grand opening, and we can’t believe the Big Day is finally here.

FYI, here’s the release we sent out to a *select group* of mainstream media and the blogerati:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

eSarcasm Unleashes Snark 2.0

New geek humor site reboots blogosphere, changes Net as we know it

Do you tweet too much? Have you recently added “social media guru” to your resume? Do you believe in a literal interpretation of TechCrunch? Then you will probably hate eSarcasm, a site devoted to mockery of all things tech.

On August 3 a new era will dawn in the history of the Web, when eSarcasm (“Geek Humor Gone Wild”) is officially foisted upon an unsuspecting world.

eSarcasm is the bastard offspring brainchild of award-winning journalists Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, who’ve spent years chronicling high-tech foibles for PC World, C|NET, Wired News, Popular Science, and other publications too embarrassed to be named here.

Tynan and Raphael are staking what’s left of their reputations on puncturing Web 2.0 windbags, skewering weird science, and making fun of everything else that crosses their virtual desks, from mindless Internet memes to brain-dead press releases.

Only on eSarcasm will you find the following:

* 25 More Sexting Acronyms Parents Should Know: Quick, what does IICDTINLTH stand for? Read our helpful guide, and even your own kids might start to respect you.

* iWant iPorn: 7 Adult-Themed Apps We’d Love to See: These don’t exist yet, but we’d build them if we knew Jack about programming.

* CrunchPad to Include ‘AutoRumor’ and ‘AlwaysRight’ Technology: Device to emulate real experience of reading TechCrunch, complete with egotistical rants and extreme irritation.

* Interview With the Spermatazoa: We get up close and personal with world’s first artificially created male genome, Ivy Dee.

“We intend to spread our message of geeky sarcasm to all four corners of the globe, a phrase that only makes sense if you believe Earth is shaped like a pool table,” says Tynan.

“They said it couldn’t be done,” adds Raphael. “Well, actually they said it shouldn’t be done. But screw ’em, we’re doing it anyway.”

What the Critics Are Saying About eSarcasm*:

“Light and refreshing, with a delightful minty aftertaste.” — David Pogue, New York Times

“This site would be really funny if it didn’t look like crap on my iPhone.” — Walt Mossberg, AllThingsD

“Who the hell are these guys?” — Michael Arrington, TechCrunch

*Hey, we can dream, can’t we?

For more about eSarcasm LLC, visit eSarcasm’s “About” page, or stop by the official company blog at https://esarcasmblog.wordpress.com/

For information, interviews, syndication opportunities, or more smartass commentary contact:

press@esarcasm.com

Dan Tynan 910.795.2357
JR Raphael 213.254.5030

If you received this release, it means you are very VERY special to us, and we hope you will write many nice things about us in the days to come. If you don’t, that’s OK too. Just don’t expect any invitations to soirees on our private island when we become gazillionaires. This isn’t a charity gig, you know.

eSarcasm Welcomes Dr. Smartass

July 24, 2009 by

dr-smartass-at-esarcasm-dot-comWe are pleased to announce the newest member of our eSarcasm team, Dr. Stanley L. Dorkus, Ph.D., aka Dr. Smartass.

Dr. Dorkus holds a doctorate in applied cosmetology from the Milfus Institute as well as a certificate in Advanced Flirting from The Learning Annex. He has served on the president’s council for physical fitness (honorary member) and on the boards of several corporations currently under investigation by the SEC, though he has been cleared of all charges.

In addition to his numerous academic honors, Dorkus has been practicing gynecology for more than 20 years. He hopes one day to obtain a medical degree so he can learn the names of all those pink bits.

“It is a pleasure and quite frankly a relief to have someone with real fake scientific credentials on the team here at eSarcasm,” says co-founder Dan Tynan. “Now we finally have somebody to blame when we screw things up.”

Dorkus was originally slated to join the team back in May during our pre-pre-pre Alpha phase, but unforeseen circumstances delayed his arrival. Fortunately, good behavior and a sympathetic judge enabled the doctor to climb aboard as we steam toward our official launch.

According to Dorkus, it was just a silly misunderstanding.

“That was purely a case of mistaken identity,” he explains. “How was I to know she’d borrowed her older sister’s ID?”

Dorkus will oversee eSarcasm’s coverage of dubious scientific studies and pen an advice column called Ask Dr. Smartass, where he will answer questions of a geeky nature from readers, once we actually have some.

“We look forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Dr. Dorkus,” says co-co-founder JR Raphael, “provided he stays at least 500 yards away from any secondary schools. We can’t afford any more legal bills.”

eSarcasm Victimized by Malicious Hacks

July 18, 2009 by

It is my unfortunate duty to report that some time earlier this week, the servers at eSarcasm.com were hacked, and several dozen confidential company documents were stolen. Apparently, we are not the only Web startup to suffer such a fate recently.

We have been contacted by two news organizations who say they are in posesssion of the documents and intend to publish them on the Interwebs, unless we leave $200 in small unmarked bills in a Peanuts lunch box at a nearby Kinkos.

We do not negotiate with blackmailers. And we do not have $200. So to forestall further attempts at extortion, we have decided to publish relevant excerpts of the stolen documents here. These documents contained information of a highly personal nature, as well as some shit we made up to make us sound really important.

The first documents details our plans for world domination growing the eSarcasm brand, along with projected traffic and revenue run rates.

esarcasm world domination 1 - croppedThe next document contains notes from a discussion about our long-term strategy vis-a-vis Google.

esarcasm world domination 2-cropped

Here’s our growth plan for the next four years. We are already far ahead of our initial projections, by the way.

esarcasm world domination 3-croppedWe are NOT, we repeat, NOT signing a production deal with Judd Apatow to do a TV show based on the lives of two dashing geek humorists. But here’s a memo about that anyway.

esarcasm world domination 5-cropped

Finally, here’s a typical Management Meeting Agenda. We do this kind of stuff all the time. It’s like a friggin who’s who of Hollywood around here.

esarcasm world domination 4-cropped

We are pursuing a path to address the harm caused by these actions and have already reached out to the partners and individuals affected. We are now hiding under our desks holding fireplace pokers and starter pistols, and plan to remain that way until all this shit blows over.

eSarcasm Nominated for International Honor

July 10, 2009 by

eSarcasm, The Site With the Largest Collection of Impossibly Long Trademarked Taglines in The Known Universe ™, is pleased to announce that is a finalist for an award of international importance.

Last night, the founders of eSarcasm, The Site With etc etc ™, were notifed by phone that the site had been nominated for the Noble Peach Prize, an award given to individuals and organizations exhibiting extreme aptitude in the consumption of fleshy fruits.

“We are pleased, honored, humbled, and strangely aroused by this honor,” wrote co-founder Dan Tynan in a post to his company’s blog. “We look forward to the awards ceremony in OshKosh, and we really really really hope we win.”

“It’s amazing to be nominated for such a ‘peachy’ award as this one,” wryly noted co-co-founder JR Raphael in the same post to his company’s blog. “It will make the fruits of our labors well worth it. I just hope our friends at Apple take notice.”

Unlike the similarly named Nobel Peace Prize, not just any fly-by-night microblog can be nominated for the Noble Peach Prize. Qualifying requires filling out an extensive form and mailing in labels from six cans of Mrs. Ball’s Peach Chutney.

Winners of the Noble Prize will be announced in OshKosh, Wisconsin, in September.