The State of the Snark 2010

February 13, 2010 by

January was a good month for us. We surpassed 200,000 page views for the first time, we posted our 500th story on eSarcasm, and Marissa Mayer actually returned one of our calls. (Technically, it was a pocket call, but we got to hear her breathe. Sometimes that’s enough.)

We marked these milestones in our traditional fashion by watching some raunchy online porn. We also thought you eSarc fans would enjoy some statistics about what we’ve achieved so far. Here they are (and yes, they are all true):

* Nipple slips don’t count.

Thank you for all your support. Thanks also to the 17 people who stumble across this blog every month and say “WTF?” We couldn’t do it without you.

Looking Back at 2009: The Highs, The Lows, & The Marissa

January 13, 2010 by

Last year was a great one for eSarcasm, The Web Site That Knows How But Pretends It Doesn’t So You Won’t Feel Inadequate ™. So before we get too far into 2010, we wanted to recap some of the highlights of 2009:

* First and foremost, of course: eSarcasm’s official launch in August. That story was rated the fourth most important news event of the year (after Michael Jackson’s death, Balloon boy, and Tiger Woods’ Ho Eruption) by readers of Rehashed/Rewritten, the leading Web site for bloggers with nothing original to report.

* In 2009 we posted more than 400 high-larious stories of a snarkical nature; 327 of them mentioned Michael Arrington, the rest contained the word “boobies”.

* In July, during our soft (or semi-tumescent) launch, hackers broke into the servers at eSarcasm and released confidential memos revealing our plans for world domination and also our lunch menu. We had to regenerate the entire menu from scratch.

* Around that time we also received our first Cease & Desist letter from a fake attorney, which we forwarded to our fake attorneys, who are waiting to generate enough billable hours to make it worth their time to compose a fake response.

* We launched our first banner ads in September, which have already brought in more than $12.37 in click-through payments. We anticipate our revenue run rate to be in the high three figures by Q4 2016.

* The great state of Florida lifted the restraining order on Dr. Smartass, allowing him to finally leave his home again and join our staff. Glad you have you aboard, Doc.

* Several times last year eSarcasm was not acquired by Google, despite being in late-stage negotiations with them on numerous occasions. We hope to continue to not be acquired by them, though we’re still waiting for Marissa Mayer to send those candid cell phone pix she promised.

* In August we began syndicating our content to The Huffington Post, joining an elite cadre of 28,347 other bloggers producing free content for Arianna. She hasn’t asked us to wipe her ass yet, but we’re still waiting.

* In September we held the eSarcasm 50 7, a gathering of some of the most desperate promising startups in tech. Our overall winner? The SuckMaster 5000 industrial shopvac. Eat their shorts, Dyson.

* In October we officially launched our Facebook fan page, which now boasts more than 115 fans, including some of the finest parole breakers and deadbeat dads in the world.

* Over the course of the year we received applications from at least six pitifully under-employed people begging for a job. (Sadly, no one yet qualified to fill the still-open position of Social Media Slut.)

* In November we received a semi-nude photograph from one of our more comely fans, Stacey McCool. (Technically, we found a smaller version on this photo on the InterWebs, but then she sent us a nice high-res version that’s now on a poster in our break room). “Eat a Dick” is now eSarcasm’s new corporate motto. Way to go Stacey!

* In December Snoop Dogg, or somebody who looked (and smelled) a lot like him, performed at our annual Holiday Bash. No charges have been filed.

* That month we also launched our new eSarcasm widgets, which will forever alter life on this planet as we know it. Look for more Widget mania to come in 2010.

* Finally, after months of expensive hormone treatments and shopping at plus-sized mail-order catalogs, company co-founder JR Raphael finally completed his gender reassignment surgery. She will now be known hereafter as RJ Raphael.

Thanks to all our 37 many readers for helping make 2009 the only best year ever for eSarcasm. Long may ye snark.

Snoop Dogg Performs at eSarcasm Holiday Bash

December 24, 2009 by

eSarcasm held its first annual Holiday Bash Wednesday night, celebrating the season with some of Hollywood’s hottest sensations.

Among the attendees: acclaimed actor Bobcat Goldthwait; that gay dude who came in fifth on “American Idol” Season One; and that portly fellow who was married to Britney Spears for a couple of days in 2004.

Former Dateline NBC anchor Stone Phillips emceed the event, with renowned rapper Snoop Dogg taking the stage for an hour of smoke-filled entertainment.

JR, Dan, and Dr. Smartass on-stage with Snoop Dogg during his final performance of the night

The founders of eSarcasm, JR Raphael and Dan Tynan, were hammered all night not immediately available to comment on the event. Medical correspondent Dr. Smartass, meanwhile, was getting freaky with one of Snoop’s beotches attending to official company business and also unable to grant an interview.

eSarcasm Unveils New Life-Changing Widgets

December 21, 2009 by

Christmas is coming early* for readers of eSarcasm, the Web Site Most Likely to Get Drunk and Make Inappropriate Advances at the Office Holiday Party ™. eSarcasm officially launched a new line of customizable widgets on Monday, bringing its critically acclaimed** geek humor to the entire InterWebbial Galaxy.

What are these so-called “widgets,” you may be wondering? They’re dapper little boxes, as seen at right, that deliver piping hot*** eSarcasm content to your very own blog, Web site, or Facebook profile. All you have to do is go here and follow the easy instructions to copy the code. After a couple of quick clicks, you’ll have your very own always-updated version of eSarcasm right on your personal page or profile.

“Genius can only be contained for so long,” says eSarcasm Chief Of Operational Content Handling (COOCH) JR Raphael. “We figured it was time to scatter our seeds of brilliance onto the sea of faces that is the World Wide Web.”

The eSarcasm Widget is cost-free, ad-free, and even erectile-dysfunction-free. Plus, if you don’t like the way it looks, you can customize it to your heart’s content with our simple customization tools. There’s really no valid reason you shouldn’t be running to install one on your blog and/or Facebook profile right now.

“It seems like we should have a second quote here, but there’s not much more to add,” notes eSarcasm President Of Opportune Notions (POON) Dan Tynan. “Can I go to lunch?”

Learn more and get your own eSarcasm widget at the Official eSarcasm Widget Page.

*Kwanzaa is also coming early; our apologies to Hanukkah revelers for being slightly tardy. eSarcasm is an equal-opportunity life-changing organization.

**eSarcasm LLC interprets the present lack of death threats as “critical acclamation.”

***Temperature of eSarcasm content not guaranteed. When piping hot, however, please use caution. Injury and/or disfigurement may occur.

eSarcasm Unable to Confirm Denial of Google Rumors

December 18, 2009 by

Rumors are swirling that Google is attempting to purchase eSarcasm, The Web Site That’s Crunchy on the Outside With a Delicious Creamy Filling on the Inside ™.

We can neither confirm nor deny any acquisition talks. We can also neither confirm nor deny that Google has offered us free T-shirts and 24/7 access to the Google Commissary, or that their offices are really really cool looking (did you know that the stairways move around on their own and doors just magically appear, like at Hogwarts?), or that Marissa Mayer is even hotter in person, if that’s possible.

“Of course, if Google were to purchase us, we’d be extremely flattered and deeply aroused,” adds co-co-founder JR Raphael. “But eSarcasm is not for sale. And if it were for sale, we’d certainly be holding out for more money and better looking business cards. We’re just sayin’.”

eSarcasm LLC Announces Reduced Hours for Holiday Week

November 25, 2009 by

At eSarcasm, Where The Snark Never Stops But Occasionally Pauses To Catch Its Breath And Get A Sip Of Water ™, we work 24-7-365 to bring you the finest in geeky satire and juvenile humor.

But even we like to spend time with our families and parole officers around the holidays. So we’re officially closing up shop effective at 1 pm ET today. Of course, we’ll still have a skeleton crew on hand in case of breaking news (like, for example, Christian Serratos has a nipple slip or the CrunchPad actually appears); Dan and JR will be wearing pagers so they can come in and direct the sarcasm flow. Otherwise, we’ll be re-running some of the funniest stories from our early days when absolutely no one was visiting us.

For those workers who remain on the job, the eSarcateria will be serving Turkey Loaf with giblets, Campbells canned turkey gravy, jellied cranberry sauce (the kind that jiggles for five minutes after it oozes out of the can), and Stovetop Stuffing. Umm-umm. Just like Mom used to make. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

ManCandy: Hunk of the Week

October 29, 2009 by

NOTE: JR and I would like to make this perfectly clear: We are not gay. However, we recognize that members of the fairer sex like to look at nice bodies too. So, at the urging of our female readership, we’re devoting a portion of our company blog to hunk pix from our first-ever sheSarcasm correspondent, Wendy Why. Take it away, Wendy:

random hunky dude

He may not be a banker, but who give a hoot? This 35-year old stud is just too hot to handle (but I would certainly try)! Peter can build anything, in fact I’m feeling some excitement building now. He is also incredibly witty (a comedian), smart, and available (or so I hear). His motto has always been to “keep the power tools.” Even though he is too classy to pose nearly nude for us*, we can see there is plenty reason to believe ‘power tools’ will not be necessary for the job we have for him. Peter, your package is just right for us.

*The views and opinions reflect only shesarcasm audience members, they do not reflect the views of Dr.Smartass, Dan Tynan, or JR Raphael.

PS: Have we mentioned that we’re not gay?

eSarcasm Issues Mea Culpa, Throws Itself on Mercy of its Readers

October 21, 2009 by

At eSarcasm, The Web Site That Gets It Right ™, we take accuracy very seriously. Toward that end we have employed a crack team of Bulgarian fact checkers who spend each day verifying every single fact in every single story, except during the moments when they’re busy breaking CAPTCHA codes in Facebook.

However, even we occasionally make mistakes. We would like to address some of them now.

First, eSarcasm was not, in point of fact, endorsed by the one true Christian god and holy saviour, Jesus Christ, as was reported on August 20, 2009.
jesus-christ-endorsement

We have subsequently learned that the bearded man with the amazingly tranquil eyes was actually Jesus De Christo, an itinerant restaurant worker. Yet he still managed to pass a impressive battery of tests. For example: That walking-on-water business? Acrylic stilts. We’re still not sure how he pulled off the loaves and fishes trick, but our freezer is still stuffed full of Mrs. Paul’s breaded cod fillets. If anybody wants some, let us know. We’re tired of eating them.

At various times and places in this blog we have implied that Michael Arrington, founder of the popular _____Crunch Web franchise, is a douchebag, a pompous arrogant douchebag, and a pompous arrogant cross-dressing douchebag. We have also suggested that he bears an uncanny resemblence to Leonardo the Ninja Turtle. This was of course all in jest. We have the utmost respect for Mr. Arrington and his phalanx of attorneys and would do nothing to dissuade readers from believing everything he says, even when it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

bartz thumb

In an article published earlier today we implied that Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz performed an exotic dance for Yahoo employees in Taiwan wearing nothing but a G-string. We have subsequently learned that this was in fact a Carol Bartz impersonator.

In a related story published last month titled “Yahoo Has a Big One and Wants Everyone to Know It,” we implied that Ms. Bartz has a special fondness for really big dicks. We continue to stand by this story. Because, hell, who doesn’t?
steve-jobs-bush-beans-300x218

Finally, Steve Jobs was not, we repeat, NOT arrested for shoplifting a can of baked beans from a convenience store in East Palo Alto on June 8 of this year. We sincerely hope that this official retraction is sufficient to secure the release of our loved ones from their holding pen at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters.

eSarcasm regrets the errors.

Dear FTC: We’re Just Dirty Little Whores

October 8, 2009 by

We understand the Federal Trade Commission is cracking down on bloggers who accept gifts and other compensation from companies in exchange for saying nice things about them.

In short: If you are ho’s, you must disclose.

We don’t want to do anything to piss off the FTC, especially given JR’s arrest record and all those “three strikes and you’re out” laws. So we’ve decided to make a full and complete disclosure of all considerations given in exchange for coverage on eSarcasm, The Web Site Where Graft Knows No Limits ™. They are as follows:

* We accepted 14 flesh-toned brassieres in exchange for our story on high-tech bras. Unfortunately, they only fit Dan; JR recently got implants and is now a proud 36C.

* We accepted 29 new Windows Mobile phones in exchange for not writing a story on 10 New Windows Mobile Apps We’d Like to See. On the downside, we forgot to keep up our end of the deal. On the upside, those things are great for impromptu dominoes games.

* In exchange for writing about Twitter on a seemingly daily basis (see here, here, here, here, and here) we accepted a promise of super-charged Twitter accounts that would be impervious to site failures. So far, we’ve only gotten 83 fail whales in the week since making this deal, so it does seem to be an improvement.

* We accepted four clumps of poo-crusted primate fur from Ardi, the first known human, in exchange for “making her titties look fly” in her photo. (She didn’t quite understand how Photoshop worked, but we accepted the fur anyway. It looks lovely in our kitchenette.)

* As a result of our post about Wikipedia Flavored Beef, we are now allowed to eat for free at the Green Tea restaurant. We still haven’t gotten up the nerve to order the Mysterious Taste Chicken, though.

* Dr. Smartass has been given a free lifetime supply of rectal thermometers from Glass-in-Your-Ass Inc. No reason, he just likes them.

* On a few occasions we have received bundles of small unmarked bills in the mail. Each one contained a handwritten note saying things like “enough already” and “cut the crap,” with the initials M. A. at the bottom. We assumed these were attempts by Michael Arrington to buy our silence. No amount of money would ever be enough for that; making fun of him is just too much damned fun. (We spent the money on online porn, as we believe Mike intended us to.)

* Finally, every woman profiled as a Hump Day Hottie on our site has provided us with favors of a sexual nature.*

*Note: This hasn’t actually happened yet. But any hot models and slutty actresses reading this post may consider it a standing offer.

Well that’s a load off our minds. Thank you FTC, for the opportunity to finally come clean.

eSarcasm Announces Plans for World Wide Web Advertising Domination

September 28, 2009 by

It was a momentous weekend. Just six scant weeks after its smashing debut, eSarcasm – The Saucy Little Site That Goes Great With Meat or Fish ™ — began serving up banners to an advertising-starved public.

Of course, that meant making a few key decisions. Which advertisers would be worthy of carrying the banner for eSarcasm? We decided to pick only the finest. Not just any under-the-counter vendor of fake pharmaceuticals, but those that offer free shipping and 24-7 customer service. Not just any penis enlargement pills, but the most fully engorged throbbingly tumescent ones. (Also: Did you know you could meet Hot Single Girls in Your Area just by clicking on an ad? This was a revelation to us.)

We also elected to reject those pop up-ads that flash on and off in psychedelic colors, mostly because viewing them automatically sends JR into an epileptic fit. He’s already bitten through two of DT’s wallets and a cell phone, and enough’s enough.

Within its first hour, the site already generated revenue of $0.24. At this rate, eSarcasm will achieve a $1 billion revenue rate by year 477340 A.C.E., which is perfectly in line with our business projections (as well as the Book of Revelations and chapters 3 through 7 of The Joy of Sex).

We hope you’ll click early and often.

Also, we updated our privacy policy accordingly. You have just been officially notified. Don’t come crying to us later when you discover Doubleclick cookies on your hard drive.