Archive for the ‘Revenue’ Category

eSarcasm eStore: Now open for business

July 16, 2010

We’re proud to announce another milestone in the evolution of eSarcasm, The Web Site That Builds Strong Bodies 12 Ways ™. Today marks the official entry of eSarcasm into the burgeoning world of eCommerce with the launch of The eSarcasm eStore. Soon our thousands hundreds dozen three fans can own all manner of eSarc regalia, from wittily-captioned T-shirts to coffee mugs, refrigerator magnets, and yes, underwear.

Wear one of these babies on a first date and you’re almost certain to score (though you may be alone when it happens).

“We look forward to dominating the world of eCommerce and putting Amazon.com completely out of business,” says site co-founder and chief body fluids officer (CBFO) JR Raphael. “This should provide a welcome boost of revenue to our operations.”

“Finally we can start to pay off those loan sharks,” agreed co-co-founder and live animal trainer Dan Tynan. “I’m almost out of fingers.”

HELP WANTED: eSarcasm is actively seeking an attractive female between ages of 18 and not dead to model our wares for publication on our site. Applicants should send an email noting their qualifications, a hot picture, and a signed affadavit affirming the picture really is of you to models@esarcasm.com. OK, we’ll settle for the hot photo. But we are serious about the modeling bit.

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Looking Back at 2009: The Highs, The Lows, & The Marissa

January 13, 2010

Last year was a great one for eSarcasm, The Web Site That Knows How But Pretends It Doesn’t So You Won’t Feel Inadequate ™. So before we get too far into 2010, we wanted to recap some of the highlights of 2009:

* First and foremost, of course: eSarcasm’s official launch in August. That story was rated the fourth most important news event of the year (after Michael Jackson’s death, Balloon boy, and Tiger Woods’ Ho Eruption) by readers of Rehashed/Rewritten, the leading Web site for bloggers with nothing original to report.

* In 2009 we posted more than 400 high-larious stories of a snarkical nature; 327 of them mentioned Michael Arrington, the rest contained the word “boobies”.

* In July, during our soft (or semi-tumescent) launch, hackers broke into the servers at eSarcasm and released confidential memos revealing our plans for world domination and also our lunch menu. We had to regenerate the entire menu from scratch.

* Around that time we also received our first Cease & Desist letter from a fake attorney, which we forwarded to our fake attorneys, who are waiting to generate enough billable hours to make it worth their time to compose a fake response.

* We launched our first banner ads in September, which have already brought in more than $12.37 in click-through payments. We anticipate our revenue run rate to be in the high three figures by Q4 2016.

* The great state of Florida lifted the restraining order on Dr. Smartass, allowing him to finally leave his home again and join our staff. Glad you have you aboard, Doc.

* Several times last year eSarcasm was not acquired by Google, despite being in late-stage negotiations with them on numerous occasions. We hope to continue to not be acquired by them, though we’re still waiting for Marissa Mayer to send those candid cell phone pix she promised.

* In August we began syndicating our content to The Huffington Post, joining an elite cadre of 28,347 other bloggers producing free content for Arianna. She hasn’t asked us to wipe her ass yet, but we’re still waiting.

* In September we held the eSarcasm 50 7, a gathering of some of the most desperate promising startups in tech. Our overall winner? The SuckMaster 5000 industrial shopvac. Eat their shorts, Dyson.

* In October we officially launched our Facebook fan page, which now boasts more than 115 fans, including some of the finest parole breakers and deadbeat dads in the world.

* Over the course of the year we received applications from at least six pitifully under-employed people begging for a job. (Sadly, no one yet qualified to fill the still-open position of Social Media Slut.)

* In November we received a semi-nude photograph from one of our more comely fans, Stacey McCool. (Technically, we found a smaller version on this photo on the InterWebs, but then she sent us a nice high-res version that’s now on a poster in our break room). “Eat a Dick” is now eSarcasm’s new corporate motto. Way to go Stacey!

* In December Snoop Dogg, or somebody who looked (and smelled) a lot like him, performed at our annual Holiday Bash. No charges have been filed.

* That month we also launched our new eSarcasm widgets, which will forever alter life on this planet as we know it. Look for more Widget mania to come in 2010.

* Finally, after months of expensive hormone treatments and shopping at plus-sized mail-order catalogs, company co-founder JR Raphael finally completed his gender reassignment surgery. She will now be known hereafter as RJ Raphael.

Thanks to all our 37 many readers for helping make 2009 the only best year ever for eSarcasm. Long may ye snark.