Archive for the ‘Life-Changing Announcements’ Category

Yes, of course it was a hoax. Duh.

September 23, 2011

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Is Alternately All Things To All People and Nothing to No One ™, admits that it has perpetrated a hoax upon the world. Co-founder Dan Tynan did not actually leave the blog, despite his needlessly melodramatic public resignation one week ago.

It was all a carefully planned hoax designed to drive traffic to our annual eRupt Conference, held at the Holiday Inn’s Pocahontas Room in beautiful Alachua, Florida.

We invested significant coin in that conference. We bought a six-foot deli sandwich and an entire case of Seagrams Tahitian Sunset Wine Coolers for this thing, and we’d have been totally screwed if nobody else showed up.

We apologize to any readers who were fooled, flummoxed, bewitched, bamboozled or deeply aroused by the hoax.

Advertisements

Sarc.me? Sarc.you!

November 22, 2010

O to the M to the G, dude: eSarcasm, The Web That Always Sneaks Out Before You Wake Up In The Morning ™, has just revolutionized the Internet. Again.

eSarcasm is aroused to announce the debut of its magical new URL shortener, Sarc.me. Starting right…now, Sarc.me will change the way millions thousands hundreds dozens of users share snarky geek humor across the Interwebbular Plateaus.

How will it work, you ask? Well, pretty much like every other URL shortener out there. But instead of something drab like “Bit.ly” or “Ow.ly,” it’ll say “Sarc.me” — and people think that’s kinda neat.

“That’s kinda neat,” said some guy we made up in order to prove our aforementioned point.

Sarc.me rolled out in a limited beta late last week and is now fully operational. Anytime you share a link from one of eSarcasm’s convenient in-site Twitter buttons, the Sarc.me interface will automatically deploy. Like some sort of really cool rocket on a futuristic spaceship. Even The Wall Street Journal‘s Walt Mossberg agrees.

“I agree,” Walt Mossberg remarked.*

Effective immediately, all links sent out by eSarcasm’s generously girthed Twitter account will also feature the new Sarc.me URL shortening experience.

“This is an enormous step forward for the dissemination of sarcastic material,” said eSarcasm Chair Dan Tynan.

“You said ‘semination,'” added eSarcasm Sofa JR Raphael.

Tynan and Raphael admit that Sarc.me wasn’t their first choice for a URL shortening platform — Fuck.me, Blow.me, and Suck.me were unfortunately already taken — but they only admit that because we gave them lots of liquor and subjected them to 20 minutes of intensive tickling. Otherwise, they’d totally deny it and insist that Sarc.me was always the only option.

* Full disclosure: Walt Mossberg was not actually talking about the Sarc.me URL shortener when he made that remark.

eSarcasm 2.0: This Time It’s Personal

August 30, 2010

The home of Geek Humor Gone Wild ™ celebrates one year anniversary with a sparkling new redesign.

Intercourse, PA — One year after its stunning debut, the world’s leading geek humor portal has unveiled a redesign that enhances its mission to bring snark to the masses. Working with the world’s top plastic surgeons, the nipped-and-tucked eSarcasm 2.0 offers features that are both new and exciting yet also strangely familiar to its legions of fans.

Among the highlights of eSarcasm 2.0:

* Sleeker, longer, and thicker home page, ribbed for your pleasure.

* Dedicated video section called eTube, which will feature the funniest Web videos it can steal from other sites find, as well as eSarcasm originals like “Google-China Negotiations Hit Impasse” and “Foul-Mouthed Octogenarians Doing Unspeakable Things” (NSFA).

* New streamlined Quickies section featuring eTube videos, iToons comics, and Hump Day Hotties. Now 27 percent more premature!

* Easier access to the vast archive of eSarcasm Favorites, revealing scores of butt-gusting stories you may have missed, including: “Are You a Certified Facebook Douche?” “The 12 Universal Truths About Twitter,” and “The Steve Jobs E-Mail Generator.”

And more!

“We are so convinced you’ll love eSarc 2.0 that we’re offering a money-back guarantee,” says eSarcasm co-founder Dan Tynan. “If not completely satisfied with the level of sophomoric humor available at the new eSarcasm.com, please return all Web pages you’ve viewed (along with the labels from six specially marked cartons of Harry Popper Condoms) and we’ll refund every penny you’ve spent.”

Adds co-co-founder JR Raphael: “Our new redesign allows us to take on the tech world in newer and even more juvenile ways. We look forward to deeply offending each and every one of you.”

Along with the refreshed design, eSarcasm is pleased to announce it has finally emerged from beta, skipped right over gamma, delta, and epsilon, and gone into zeta. The site’s founders say they had hoped to get into Kappa Kappa Kappa, but their plan was foiled when the house mother peeked under their skirts.

Look for the upcoming bug fixes, eSarcasm 2.01, 2.02, and 2.03, coming to a browser near you.

eSarcasm: One year forward, many steps back

August 2, 2010

One year ago today, the InterWebs was changed forever.

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Longs to Pleasure You In Ways You’ve Never Imagined ™, officially opened its kimono and displayed its wares to the world exactly 365 days ago. Over that time our snarky band of jokesters have produced more than 700 articles, entertained more than 1 million visitors, generated 2 million page views, and earned more than $37 in advertising revenue.

Even we are fucking impressed by this.

Along the way we’ve garnered numerous accolades, including:

“… tasteless, occasionally hilarious, but mostly tasteless…”

“…not for the easily offended or those with sensitive stomachs…”

“… a new low in Internet humor…”

and

“…I can’t believe no one has sued your asses yet…”

(That last one came from our attorney, who is currently defending Dr. Smartass against yet more spurious statutory charges. We can personally vouch he was nowhere near that school at the time of the alleged incident.)

We are humbled by your praise, thrilled by your attention, exhausted by churning out 2+ posts a day and aroused by the thought of doing it again and again and again until we collapse in a sweaty pool of erotic effluvia.

Sorry, got distracted by some porn there for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah: For all that you do, we thank you.

Now go design a funny T-shirt and win yourself an Apple iPad from Fibers.com. You deserve it.

We were duped!

April 1, 2010

For days now we’ve had some really big news we wanted to share with you, our faithful readers, but we’ve been constrained by a deeply binding Non-Disclosure Agreement. Today was to be the day we let the cat out of the proverbial bag.

Here’s the release we were prepared to send out:

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Can Tie a Cherry Stem In a Knot With Its Tongue (And Also Its Toes) ™, has been acquired by TechCrunch. Beginning immediately, it will become part of the TechCrunch stable of sites. The site’s cofounders, Dan Tynan and JR Raphael, will join the TechCrunch staff and get the opportunity to meet the extremely dishy Evelyn Rusli and the less dishy but still perfectly doable Sarah Lacy.

Amazing, isn’t it? Less than a year after first coming up with the idea for a geek humor portal, we were going to walk away with enough cash in our pockets to buy furniture and have the carpet cleaned. Hookers and blow for everyone!

Today, we heard from TechCrunch’s attorneys (the firm of Eichmann, Himmler, & Goering) that the deal was off. Kaput. Finito. Verklemp. In fact, it was never really on to begin with.

How did this happen? It’s a long story.

When the call came from Arrington’s personal assistant three weeks ago we probably should have been more suspicious. Sure, he sounded a bit young – but with all the unpaid teen interns they’ve got running around there we figured that’s just how they roll. The fact that he insisted on conducting all negotiations himself, and refused to let us speak directly to Arrington, was another clue we should have heeded but didn’t. But when he demanded a MacBook Air laptop in return for being acquired, it began to send off red flags.

By then, we’d totally redesigned our home page to match the TechCrunch look and feel. We’d started doing even less fact checking on our stories than usual. We’d even taken to strutting around the office smoking cigars and browbeating our staff, just to get in the mood.

In hindsight, it was probably not the most logical of unions.

True, we had been occasionally critical of TechCrunch. We’d had a bit of sport poking fun at the CrunchPad JooJoo Tablet fiasco. We’d strongly implied Mr. Arrington was out of his depth when it came to actual journalism and liked to go around in women’s clothing. But we figured, business is business. And, most likely, he was buying us just to shut us up.

That was all right with us. We can be bought. And at the price that Arrington his teen assistant was quoting, they could have bought ten of us, and Doctor Smartass, and still had money left over to visit Club Voyeur with half of the Republican National Committee.

But it was clearly not meant to be. So we’re back where we started — serving the very finest in sophomoric geek humor to you, our faithful regular readers.

We thank you both for your support.

eSarcasm: Now Banned at a Corporation Near You

March 4, 2010

eSarcasm, The Web Site With Abnormally Muscular Thighs ™, is pleased to announce a new milestone in its mission to offend everyone in the civilized world.

As of March 2010, eSarcasm appears to have been blocked by Websense, a “Web filtering” company used by numerous corporations to keep their minions from staring at boobies protect their employees from potentially objectionable content.

An alert reader in Alabama first picked up on the change, informing eSarcasm staff that the eSarcasm.com site was no longer accessible from his workplace. eSarcasm’s esteemed board of directors immediately responded to the news.

“We are thrilled to be in the company of such fine publications as Playboy, Penthouse, and Hot Naked Sluts On Their Knees,” remarked eSarcasm Director of Vulgarity Dan Tynan.

“Hey, what’s the password to that Hot Naked Sluts site?” added JR Raphael, eSarcasm’s executive supervisor of pornographic activity.

While eSarcasm cannot be certain of the reason for its corporate banning, an internal probe has determined the event could possibly be tied to one of the following items:

Then again, it could have also been our disturbingly nude portrayal of Facebook head honcho Mark Zuckerberg, our repeated proclamations that Jesus Christ had endorsed us, or our frank discussion about why drunk girls are most likely to go down on you. Or any of the countless other inappropriate things we’ve published over the past year; to be honest, we’ve kind of lost track.

Regardless of the reason, eSarcasm would like to extend its deepest gratitude to Websense for bestowing this great honor upon our humble site. And, just to make sure that this blog is also banned, we’d like to let them know that they’re a bunch of ass-gobbling fuckhead shit-turds.

The State of the Snark 2010

February 13, 2010

January was a good month for us. We surpassed 200,000 page views for the first time, we posted our 500th story on eSarcasm, and Marissa Mayer actually returned one of our calls. (Technically, it was a pocket call, but we got to hear her breathe. Sometimes that’s enough.)

We marked these milestones in our traditional fashion by watching some raunchy online porn. We also thought you eSarc fans would enjoy some statistics about what we’ve achieved so far. Here they are (and yes, they are all true):

* Nipple slips don’t count.

Thank you for all your support. Thanks also to the 17 people who stumble across this blog every month and say “WTF?” We couldn’t do it without you.

eSarcasm Unveils New Life-Changing Widgets

December 21, 2009

Christmas is coming early* for readers of eSarcasm, the Web Site Most Likely to Get Drunk and Make Inappropriate Advances at the Office Holiday Party ™. eSarcasm officially launched a new line of customizable widgets on Monday, bringing its critically acclaimed** geek humor to the entire InterWebbial Galaxy.

What are these so-called “widgets,” you may be wondering? They’re dapper little boxes, as seen at right, that deliver piping hot*** eSarcasm content to your very own blog, Web site, or Facebook profile. All you have to do is go here and follow the easy instructions to copy the code. After a couple of quick clicks, you’ll have your very own always-updated version of eSarcasm right on your personal page or profile.

“Genius can only be contained for so long,” says eSarcasm Chief Of Operational Content Handling (COOCH) JR Raphael. “We figured it was time to scatter our seeds of brilliance onto the sea of faces that is the World Wide Web.”

The eSarcasm Widget is cost-free, ad-free, and even erectile-dysfunction-free. Plus, if you don’t like the way it looks, you can customize it to your heart’s content with our simple customization tools. There’s really no valid reason you shouldn’t be running to install one on your blog and/or Facebook profile right now.

“It seems like we should have a second quote here, but there’s not much more to add,” notes eSarcasm President Of Opportune Notions (POON) Dan Tynan. “Can I go to lunch?”

Learn more and get your own eSarcasm widget at the Official eSarcasm Widget Page.

*Kwanzaa is also coming early; our apologies to Hanukkah revelers for being slightly tardy. eSarcasm is an equal-opportunity life-changing organization.

**eSarcasm LLC interprets the present lack of death threats as “critical acclamation.”

***Temperature of eSarcasm content not guaranteed. When piping hot, however, please use caution. Injury and/or disfigurement may occur.