Archive for the ‘Jobs’ Category

eSarcasm eStore: Now open for business

July 16, 2010

We’re proud to announce another milestone in the evolution of eSarcasm, The Web Site That Builds Strong Bodies 12 Ways ™. Today marks the official entry of eSarcasm into the burgeoning world of eCommerce with the launch of The eSarcasm eStore. Soon our thousands hundreds dozen three fans can own all manner of eSarc regalia, from wittily-captioned T-shirts to coffee mugs, refrigerator magnets, and yes, underwear.

Wear one of these babies on a first date and you’re almost certain to score (though you may be alone when it happens).

“We look forward to dominating the world of eCommerce and putting Amazon.com completely out of business,” says site co-founder and chief body fluids officer (CBFO) JR Raphael. “This should provide a welcome boost of revenue to our operations.”

“Finally we can start to pay off those loan sharks,” agreed co-co-founder and live animal trainer Dan Tynan. “I’m almost out of fingers.”

HELP WANTED: eSarcasm is actively seeking an attractive female between ages of 18 and not dead to model our wares for publication on our site. Applicants should send an email noting their qualifications, a hot picture, and a signed affadavit affirming the picture really is of you to models@esarcasm.com. OK, we’ll settle for the hot photo. But we are serious about the modeling bit.

eSarcasm Seeks Social Media Slut

August 12, 2009

JR and Dan are so busy cranking out award-winning snarky content and schmoozing the crème 2.0 de la crème 2.0 that they simply don’t have time to build up their social media networks. So they’ve decided to outsource.

We’ve just posted the following position to our internal job board, and thought we’d open it up to our thousands hundreds 17 loyal readers:

Position: Social Media Slut

eSarcasm seeks highly motivated individual with good personal grooming, flexible morals, and a strong stomach to raise the site’s profile in the social media community. We’re looking for highly-motivated self starters who are willing to reach out and touch (and we do mean touch) moderators at Slashdot, Digg, TechMeme, Fark, StumbleUpon, and other leading community sites in exchange for favorable rankings. Must be willing to waive all rights to Internet sex videos, real or threatened, produced doing the term of the work engagement.

Position may also involve contact of an erotic but non-prosecutable nature with members of the communities on Digg, i-am-bored, eBaum’s World, and other sites run by the Internet’s Teen Mafia. Pour spelling, Cr3aTiV3 capitalization and the ability to compose messages entirely in Sexting Acronyms is a plus.

Please email a copy of your resume, drivers license and recent STD screens to jobs@esarcasm.com. You may also snail mail copies to us at our lavish corporate offices, though we promise not to take you very seriously:

eSarcasm, LLC
4320 Deerwood Lake Parkway, Suite 423
Jacksonville, FL 32216

eSarcasm is also seeking to fill several other open positions, including rodeo clown, human shield, and Guy Who Walks Around All Day Saying ‘This Job Sucks Ass’. See “We’re Hiring!” below.

eSarcasm Welcomes Dr. Smartass

July 24, 2009

dr-smartass-at-esarcasm-dot-comWe are pleased to announce the newest member of our eSarcasm team, Dr. Stanley L. Dorkus, Ph.D., aka Dr. Smartass.

Dr. Dorkus holds a doctorate in applied cosmetology from the Milfus Institute as well as a certificate in Advanced Flirting from The Learning Annex. He has served on the president’s council for physical fitness (honorary member) and on the boards of several corporations currently under investigation by the SEC, though he has been cleared of all charges.

In addition to his numerous academic honors, Dorkus has been practicing gynecology for more than 20 years. He hopes one day to obtain a medical degree so he can learn the names of all those pink bits.

“It is a pleasure and quite frankly a relief to have someone with real fake scientific credentials on the team here at eSarcasm,” says co-founder Dan Tynan. “Now we finally have somebody to blame when we screw things up.”

Dorkus was originally slated to join the team back in May during our pre-pre-pre Alpha phase, but unforeseen circumstances delayed his arrival. Fortunately, good behavior and a sympathetic judge enabled the doctor to climb aboard as we steam toward our official launch.

According to Dorkus, it was just a silly misunderstanding.

“That was purely a case of mistaken identity,” he explains. “How was I to know she’d borrowed her older sister’s ID?”

Dorkus will oversee eSarcasm’s coverage of dubious scientific studies and pen an advice column called Ask Dr. Smartass, where he will answer questions of a geeky nature from readers, once we actually have some.

“We look forward to a long and mutually beneficial relationship with Dr. Dorkus,” says co-co-founder JR Raphael, “provided he stays at least 500 yards away from any secondary schools. We can’t afford any more legal bills.”

We’re Hiring!

June 1, 2009

Yes, even in a down economy, the electronic sarcasm market is booming. We are seeking bright, talented people with good personal hygiene and low self esteem.

We have openings for highly committed individuals with the following job skills:

Executive Assistant
Personal Chef
Gal Friday
Best Boy
Lackey
Brown Noser
Bootlicker
Groveling Sycophant
Toady
Person who files Worker’s Comp claim one day after           probationary period ends
Bouncer
Rodeo Clown
Floorwalker
Streetwalker
Carnie
Mindless Drone
Office Slut
Feng Shui Specialist
Segway Repairman person
Person who changes titles ending in ‘man’ so they end        in ‘person’
Bosun’s Mate
Pinch Runner
Affirmative Action Case
Spirit Guide
Seth Godin
Obsessive Twitterer
Guy who walks around all day saying “this job sucks ass”
Gaffer
Fluffer
TechCrunch Refugee
Mullah
Guest Host
Guy who sits on couch next to Guest Host and cries out      “Hi-yoooo!”
Social Media Guru/Aerobics Instructor
Blank Check Writer
Roughneck
Celebutard
Shiftless No Account Brother In Law
Life Coach/Waiter
Individual with insufficient level of self loathing to work      for Gawker Media
Typewriter Maintenance Expert

Candidates must be willing to work unbearably long hours and speak in a fake posh accent.

Regrettably, we are unable to offer payment for services at this time. But we do provide a ground floor opportunity to join a vibrant growing company that will soon overtake Google and dominate the known universe, as well as the chance to complain bitterly later about how we all got reamed by our VCs.

Interested individuals should send a resume (one single-spaced page, 12-point Courier, no Wite-Out), a financial statement indicating total net worth including trust fund, three forms of photo ID, and a stool sample to HR@esarcasm.com. Please allow 6 to 384 weeks for a response.