Archive for the ‘Disclosures’ Category

Yes, of course it was a hoax. Duh.

September 23, 2011

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Is Alternately All Things To All People and Nothing to No One ™, admits that it has perpetrated a hoax upon the world. Co-founder Dan Tynan did not actually leave the blog, despite his needlessly melodramatic public resignation one week ago.

It was all a carefully planned hoax designed to drive traffic to our annual eRupt Conference, held at the Holiday Inn’s Pocahontas Room in beautiful Alachua, Florida.

We invested significant coin in that conference. We bought a six-foot deli sandwich and an entire case of Seagrams Tahitian Sunset Wine Coolers for this thing, and we’d have been totally screwed if nobody else showed up.

We apologize to any readers who were fooled, flummoxed, bewitched, bamboozled or deeply aroused by the hoax.

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Bad Taste, Less Filling

September 19, 2011

“You’re putting that in the wrong place, goddammit. Have I taught you nothing about proper shelving procedures?” — Melvil Dewey (1851 – 1931)

I’m doing what Dan Tynan should have done, or JR Raphael for that matter — venting my thoughts on the latest episode of the eSarcasm soap opera on a blog that nobody ever reads rather than abusing eSarcasm’s mighty publishing platform to get as much attention as possible from the 4 to 7 people who actually read it.

Where was I again? Oh yeah — the clusterfuck that is eSarcasm.

My colleague Dr. Smartass hits the nail on the proverbial head: Tynan’s public resignation from eSarcasm, on eSarcasm, was an ill-timed sleazy move, not unlike the way he tried to hit on JR’s grandmother at the last eSarcasm Christmas party. I mean, the woman is 90 if she’s a day. I throw up a little in my mouth every time I think about that.

I say that with the utmost respect for Tynan, who I think is a phenomenal writer with a rapier wit and a brilliant mind, though he still owes me $38 from last January and I’m starting to get a little PO’d about it.

You won’t catch me saying this about anything else that gets published on eSarcasm, but that post should have absolutely gone on his personal blog or website, or possibly only spraypainted on the walls of his skull. I’ve thought about this all day, and it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth (though not as bad as thinking about Tynan boffing JR’s granny — seriously, that is nasty).

Clearly, Tynan has an ax to grind with Raphael, but he must realize that nailing JR to the cross in such a visible way, and I mean that literally — Tynan tacked him to one of the crossbeams in our office with a staple gun, and it took us 45 minutes to pry the staples out with a letter opener — was definitely not a classy thing to do. I only hope he realizes that one day.

As I’ve written countless times, I have a great professional relationship with JR, and I would really like to avoid getting fired or demoted, because I really need this job and I can’t face going back to Wal-Mart.

I’m not saying eSarcasm doesn’t have major issues. Boy, do they have issues. One of these days I’ll write about them, hopefully after the gag order has been lifted and no one is paying attention.

eSarcasm 2.0: This Time It’s Personal

August 30, 2010

The home of Geek Humor Gone Wild ™ celebrates one year anniversary with a sparkling new redesign.

Intercourse, PA — One year after its stunning debut, the world’s leading geek humor portal has unveiled a redesign that enhances its mission to bring snark to the masses. Working with the world’s top plastic surgeons, the nipped-and-tucked eSarcasm 2.0 offers features that are both new and exciting yet also strangely familiar to its legions of fans.

Among the highlights of eSarcasm 2.0:

* Sleeker, longer, and thicker home page, ribbed for your pleasure.

* Dedicated video section called eTube, which will feature the funniest Web videos it can steal from other sites find, as well as eSarcasm originals like “Google-China Negotiations Hit Impasse” and “Foul-Mouthed Octogenarians Doing Unspeakable Things” (NSFA).

* New streamlined Quickies section featuring eTube videos, iToons comics, and Hump Day Hotties. Now 27 percent more premature!

* Easier access to the vast archive of eSarcasm Favorites, revealing scores of butt-gusting stories you may have missed, including: “Are You a Certified Facebook Douche?” “The 12 Universal Truths About Twitter,” and “The Steve Jobs E-Mail Generator.”

And more!

“We are so convinced you’ll love eSarc 2.0 that we’re offering a money-back guarantee,” says eSarcasm co-founder Dan Tynan. “If not completely satisfied with the level of sophomoric humor available at the new eSarcasm.com, please return all Web pages you’ve viewed (along with the labels from six specially marked cartons of Harry Popper Condoms) and we’ll refund every penny you’ve spent.”

Adds co-co-founder JR Raphael: “Our new redesign allows us to take on the tech world in newer and even more juvenile ways. We look forward to deeply offending each and every one of you.”

Along with the refreshed design, eSarcasm is pleased to announce it has finally emerged from beta, skipped right over gamma, delta, and epsilon, and gone into zeta. The site’s founders say they had hoped to get into Kappa Kappa Kappa, but their plan was foiled when the house mother peeked under their skirts.

Look for the upcoming bug fixes, eSarcasm 2.01, 2.02, and 2.03, coming to a browser near you.

eSarcasm: One year forward, many steps back

August 2, 2010

One year ago today, the InterWebs was changed forever.

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Longs to Pleasure You In Ways You’ve Never Imagined ™, officially opened its kimono and displayed its wares to the world exactly 365 days ago. Over that time our snarky band of jokesters have produced more than 700 articles, entertained more than 1 million visitors, generated 2 million page views, and earned more than $37 in advertising revenue.

Even we are fucking impressed by this.

Along the way we’ve garnered numerous accolades, including:

“… tasteless, occasionally hilarious, but mostly tasteless…”

“…not for the easily offended or those with sensitive stomachs…”

“… a new low in Internet humor…”

and

“…I can’t believe no one has sued your asses yet…”

(That last one came from our attorney, who is currently defending Dr. Smartass against yet more spurious statutory charges. We can personally vouch he was nowhere near that school at the time of the alleged incident.)

We are humbled by your praise, thrilled by your attention, exhausted by churning out 2+ posts a day and aroused by the thought of doing it again and again and again until we collapse in a sweaty pool of erotic effluvia.

Sorry, got distracted by some porn there for a second. What were we saying? Oh yeah: For all that you do, we thank you.

Now go design a funny T-shirt and win yourself an Apple iPad from Fibers.com. You deserve it.

The State of the Snark 2010

February 13, 2010

January was a good month for us. We surpassed 200,000 page views for the first time, we posted our 500th story on eSarcasm, and Marissa Mayer actually returned one of our calls. (Technically, it was a pocket call, but we got to hear her breathe. Sometimes that’s enough.)

We marked these milestones in our traditional fashion by watching some raunchy online porn. We also thought you eSarc fans would enjoy some statistics about what we’ve achieved so far. Here they are (and yes, they are all true):

* Nipple slips don’t count.

Thank you for all your support. Thanks also to the 17 people who stumble across this blog every month and say “WTF?” We couldn’t do it without you.

Looking Back at 2009: The Highs, The Lows, & The Marissa

January 13, 2010

Last year was a great one for eSarcasm, The Web Site That Knows How But Pretends It Doesn’t So You Won’t Feel Inadequate ™. So before we get too far into 2010, we wanted to recap some of the highlights of 2009:

* First and foremost, of course: eSarcasm’s official launch in August. That story was rated the fourth most important news event of the year (after Michael Jackson’s death, Balloon boy, and Tiger Woods’ Ho Eruption) by readers of Rehashed/Rewritten, the leading Web site for bloggers with nothing original to report.

* In 2009 we posted more than 400 high-larious stories of a snarkical nature; 327 of them mentioned Michael Arrington, the rest contained the word “boobies”.

* In July, during our soft (or semi-tumescent) launch, hackers broke into the servers at eSarcasm and released confidential memos revealing our plans for world domination and also our lunch menu. We had to regenerate the entire menu from scratch.

* Around that time we also received our first Cease & Desist letter from a fake attorney, which we forwarded to our fake attorneys, who are waiting to generate enough billable hours to make it worth their time to compose a fake response.

* We launched our first banner ads in September, which have already brought in more than $12.37 in click-through payments. We anticipate our revenue run rate to be in the high three figures by Q4 2016.

* The great state of Florida lifted the restraining order on Dr. Smartass, allowing him to finally leave his home again and join our staff. Glad you have you aboard, Doc.

* Several times last year eSarcasm was not acquired by Google, despite being in late-stage negotiations with them on numerous occasions. We hope to continue to not be acquired by them, though we’re still waiting for Marissa Mayer to send those candid cell phone pix she promised.

* In August we began syndicating our content to The Huffington Post, joining an elite cadre of 28,347 other bloggers producing free content for Arianna. She hasn’t asked us to wipe her ass yet, but we’re still waiting.

* In September we held the eSarcasm 50 7, a gathering of some of the most desperate promising startups in tech. Our overall winner? The SuckMaster 5000 industrial shopvac. Eat their shorts, Dyson.

* In October we officially launched our Facebook fan page, which now boasts more than 115 fans, including some of the finest parole breakers and deadbeat dads in the world.

* Over the course of the year we received applications from at least six pitifully under-employed people begging for a job. (Sadly, no one yet qualified to fill the still-open position of Social Media Slut.)

* In November we received a semi-nude photograph from one of our more comely fans, Stacey McCool. (Technically, we found a smaller version on this photo on the InterWebs, but then she sent us a nice high-res version that’s now on a poster in our break room). “Eat a Dick” is now eSarcasm’s new corporate motto. Way to go Stacey!

* In December Snoop Dogg, or somebody who looked (and smelled) a lot like him, performed at our annual Holiday Bash. No charges have been filed.

* That month we also launched our new eSarcasm widgets, which will forever alter life on this planet as we know it. Look for more Widget mania to come in 2010.

* Finally, after months of expensive hormone treatments and shopping at plus-sized mail-order catalogs, company co-founder JR Raphael finally completed his gender reassignment surgery. She will now be known hereafter as RJ Raphael.

Thanks to all our 37 many readers for helping make 2009 the only best year ever for eSarcasm. Long may ye snark.

eSarcasm Issues Mea Culpa, Throws Itself on Mercy of its Readers

October 21, 2009

At eSarcasm, The Web Site That Gets It Right ™, we take accuracy very seriously. Toward that end we have employed a crack team of Bulgarian fact checkers who spend each day verifying every single fact in every single story, except during the moments when they’re busy breaking CAPTCHA codes in Facebook.

However, even we occasionally make mistakes. We would like to address some of them now.

First, eSarcasm was not, in point of fact, endorsed by the one true Christian god and holy saviour, Jesus Christ, as was reported on August 20, 2009.
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We have subsequently learned that the bearded man with the amazingly tranquil eyes was actually Jesus De Christo, an itinerant restaurant worker. Yet he still managed to pass a impressive battery of tests. For example: That walking-on-water business? Acrylic stilts. We’re still not sure how he pulled off the loaves and fishes trick, but our freezer is still stuffed full of Mrs. Paul’s breaded cod fillets. If anybody wants some, let us know. We’re tired of eating them.

At various times and places in this blog we have implied that Michael Arrington, founder of the popular _____Crunch Web franchise, is a douchebag, a pompous arrogant douchebag, and a pompous arrogant cross-dressing douchebag. We have also suggested that he bears an uncanny resemblence to Leonardo the Ninja Turtle. This was of course all in jest. We have the utmost respect for Mr. Arrington and his phalanx of attorneys and would do nothing to dissuade readers from believing everything he says, even when it makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

bartz thumb

In an article published earlier today we implied that Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz performed an exotic dance for Yahoo employees in Taiwan wearing nothing but a G-string. We have subsequently learned that this was in fact a Carol Bartz impersonator.

In a related story published last month titled “Yahoo Has a Big One and Wants Everyone to Know It,” we implied that Ms. Bartz has a special fondness for really big dicks. We continue to stand by this story. Because, hell, who doesn’t?
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Finally, Steve Jobs was not, we repeat, NOT arrested for shoplifting a can of baked beans from a convenience store in East Palo Alto on June 8 of this year. We sincerely hope that this official retraction is sufficient to secure the release of our loved ones from their holding pen at Apple’s Cupertino headquarters.

eSarcasm regrets the errors.

Dear FTC: We’re Just Dirty Little Whores

October 8, 2009

We understand the Federal Trade Commission is cracking down on bloggers who accept gifts and other compensation from companies in exchange for saying nice things about them.

In short: If you are ho’s, you must disclose.

We don’t want to do anything to piss off the FTC, especially given JR’s arrest record and all those “three strikes and you’re out” laws. So we’ve decided to make a full and complete disclosure of all considerations given in exchange for coverage on eSarcasm, The Web Site Where Graft Knows No Limits ™. They are as follows:

* We accepted 14 flesh-toned brassieres in exchange for our story on high-tech bras. Unfortunately, they only fit Dan; JR recently got implants and is now a proud 36C.

* We accepted 29 new Windows Mobile phones in exchange for not writing a story on 10 New Windows Mobile Apps We’d Like to See. On the downside, we forgot to keep up our end of the deal. On the upside, those things are great for impromptu dominoes games.

* In exchange for writing about Twitter on a seemingly daily basis (see here, here, here, here, and here) we accepted a promise of super-charged Twitter accounts that would be impervious to site failures. So far, we’ve only gotten 83 fail whales in the week since making this deal, so it does seem to be an improvement.

* We accepted four clumps of poo-crusted primate fur from Ardi, the first known human, in exchange for “making her titties look fly” in her photo. (She didn’t quite understand how Photoshop worked, but we accepted the fur anyway. It looks lovely in our kitchenette.)

* As a result of our post about Wikipedia Flavored Beef, we are now allowed to eat for free at the Green Tea restaurant. We still haven’t gotten up the nerve to order the Mysterious Taste Chicken, though.

* Dr. Smartass has been given a free lifetime supply of rectal thermometers from Glass-in-Your-Ass Inc. No reason, he just likes them.

* On a few occasions we have received bundles of small unmarked bills in the mail. Each one contained a handwritten note saying things like “enough already” and “cut the crap,” with the initials M. A. at the bottom. We assumed these were attempts by Michael Arrington to buy our silence. No amount of money would ever be enough for that; making fun of him is just too much damned fun. (We spent the money on online porn, as we believe Mike intended us to.)

* Finally, every woman profiled as a Hump Day Hottie on our site has provided us with favors of a sexual nature.*

*Note: This hasn’t actually happened yet. But any hot models and slutty actresses reading this post may consider it a standing offer.

Well that’s a load off our minds. Thank you FTC, for the opportunity to finally come clean.