Author Archive

Yes, of course it was a hoax. Duh.

September 23, 2011

eSarcasm, The Web Site That Is Alternately All Things To All People and Nothing to No One ™, admits that it has perpetrated a hoax upon the world. Co-founder Dan Tynan did not actually leave the blog, despite his needlessly melodramatic public resignation one week ago.

It was all a carefully planned hoax designed to drive traffic to our annual eRupt Conference, held at the Holiday Inn’s Pocahontas Room in beautiful Alachua, Florida.

We invested significant coin in that conference. We bought a six-foot deli sandwich and an entire case of Seagrams Tahitian Sunset Wine Coolers for this thing, and we’d have been totally screwed if nobody else showed up.

We apologize to any readers who were fooled, flummoxed, bewitched, bamboozled or deeply aroused by the hoax.!

November 22, 2010

O to the M to the G, dude: eSarcasm, The Web That Always Sneaks Out Before You Wake Up In The Morning ™, has just revolutionized the Internet. Again.

eSarcasm is aroused to announce the debut of its magical new URL shortener, Starting right…now, will change the way millions thousands hundreds dozens of users share snarky geek humor across the Interwebbular Plateaus.

How will it work, you ask? Well, pretty much like every other URL shortener out there. But instead of something drab like “” or “,” it’ll say “” — and people think that’s kinda neat.

“That’s kinda neat,” said some guy we made up in order to prove our aforementioned point. rolled out in a limited beta late last week and is now fully operational. Anytime you share a link from one of eSarcasm’s convenient in-site Twitter buttons, the interface will automatically deploy. Like some sort of really cool rocket on a futuristic spaceship. Even The Wall Street Journal‘s Walt Mossberg agrees.

“I agree,” Walt Mossberg remarked.*

Effective immediately, all links sent out by eSarcasm’s generously girthed Twitter account will also feature the new URL shortening experience.

“This is an enormous step forward for the dissemination of sarcastic material,” said eSarcasm Chair Dan Tynan.

“You said ‘semination,'” added eSarcasm Sofa JR Raphael.

Tynan and Raphael admit that wasn’t their first choice for a URL shortening platform —,, and were unfortunately already taken — but they only admit that because we gave them lots of liquor and subjected them to 20 minutes of intensive tickling. Otherwise, they’d totally deny it and insist that was always the only option.

* Full disclosure: Walt Mossberg was not actually talking about the URL shortener when he made that remark.

eSarcasm: Now Banned at a Corporation Near You

March 4, 2010

eSarcasm, The Web Site With Abnormally Muscular Thighs ™, is pleased to announce a new milestone in its mission to offend everyone in the civilized world.

As of March 2010, eSarcasm appears to have been blocked by Websense, a “Web filtering” company used by numerous corporations to keep their minions from staring at boobies protect their employees from potentially objectionable content.

An alert reader in Alabama first picked up on the change, informing eSarcasm staff that the site was no longer accessible from his workplace. eSarcasm’s esteemed board of directors immediately responded to the news.

“We are thrilled to be in the company of such fine publications as Playboy, Penthouse, and Hot Naked Sluts On Their Knees,” remarked eSarcasm Director of Vulgarity Dan Tynan.

“Hey, what’s the password to that Hot Naked Sluts site?” added JR Raphael, eSarcasm’s executive supervisor of pornographic activity.

While eSarcasm cannot be certain of the reason for its corporate banning, an internal probe has determined the event could possibly be tied to one of the following items:

Then again, it could have also been our disturbingly nude portrayal of Facebook head honcho Mark Zuckerberg, our repeated proclamations that Jesus Christ had endorsed us, or our frank discussion about why drunk girls are most likely to go down on you. Or any of the countless other inappropriate things we’ve published over the past year; to be honest, we’ve kind of lost track.

Regardless of the reason, eSarcasm would like to extend its deepest gratitude to Websense for bestowing this great honor upon our humble site. And, just to make sure that this blog is also banned, we’d like to let them know that they’re a bunch of ass-gobbling fuckhead shit-turds.

Snoop Dogg Performs at eSarcasm Holiday Bash

December 24, 2009

eSarcasm held its first annual Holiday Bash Wednesday night, celebrating the season with some of Hollywood’s hottest sensations.

Among the attendees: acclaimed actor Bobcat Goldthwait; that gay dude who came in fifth on “American Idol” Season One; and that portly fellow who was married to Britney Spears for a couple of days in 2004.

Former Dateline NBC anchor Stone Phillips emceed the event, with renowned rapper Snoop Dogg taking the stage for an hour of smoke-filled entertainment.

JR, Dan, and Dr. Smartass on-stage with Snoop Dogg during his final performance of the night

The founders of eSarcasm, JR Raphael and Dan Tynan, were hammered all night not immediately available to comment on the event. Medical correspondent Dr. Smartass, meanwhile, was getting freaky with one of Snoop’s beotches attending to official company business and also unable to grant an interview.

eSarcasm Unveils New Life-Changing Widgets

December 21, 2009

Christmas is coming early* for readers of eSarcasm, the Web Site Most Likely to Get Drunk and Make Inappropriate Advances at the Office Holiday Party ™. eSarcasm officially launched a new line of customizable widgets on Monday, bringing its critically acclaimed** geek humor to the entire InterWebbial Galaxy.

What are these so-called “widgets,” you may be wondering? They’re dapper little boxes, as seen at right, that deliver piping hot*** eSarcasm content to your very own blog, Web site, or Facebook profile. All you have to do is go here and follow the easy instructions to copy the code. After a couple of quick clicks, you’ll have your very own always-updated version of eSarcasm right on your personal page or profile.

“Genius can only be contained for so long,” says eSarcasm Chief Of Operational Content Handling (COOCH) JR Raphael. “We figured it was time to scatter our seeds of brilliance onto the sea of faces that is the World Wide Web.”

The eSarcasm Widget is cost-free, ad-free, and even erectile-dysfunction-free. Plus, if you don’t like the way it looks, you can customize it to your heart’s content with our simple customization tools. There’s really no valid reason you shouldn’t be running to install one on your blog and/or Facebook profile right now.

“It seems like we should have a second quote here, but there’s not much more to add,” notes eSarcasm President Of Opportune Notions (POON) Dan Tynan. “Can I go to lunch?”

Learn more and get your own eSarcasm widget at the Official eSarcasm Widget Page.

*Kwanzaa is also coming early; our apologies to Hanukkah revelers for being slightly tardy. eSarcasm is an equal-opportunity life-changing organization.

**eSarcasm LLC interprets the present lack of death threats as “critical acclamation.”

***Temperature of eSarcasm content not guaranteed. When piping hot, however, please use caution. Injury and/or disfigurement may occur.

eSarcasm Banned From App Store, China

September 2, 2009

We regret to report that eSarcasm has been banned from both Apple’s App Store and the People’s Republic of China. We received word from both entities this week.

The bannings come as a result of our recent story entitled “Apple, China to Collectively Oppress with iPhone Deal.” The story, a satirical look at the parallels between Apple’s and China’s Communist regimes, detailed plans for the upcoming iPhone launch in China. Among its assertions was the pending development of several new China-specific iPhone apps, including:

  • iLove the Government: A mandatory app that runs semihourly, whether you activate it or not. Based on Apple’s “iLove Steve Jobs” app, which will be built into the upcoming Snow Leopard release.
  • The Little White Book: Inspirational work mixes wisdom from Chairman Mao with new aphorisms from Chairman Steve, such as “Only running dog imperialists use Windows” and “Power comes at the end of a user license agreement.”
  • iMade This iPhone: Available for all surviving factory workers to express their anguish pride.

Neither the Chinese government nor the Apple dictatorship, seemingly, was amused. In a joint notification sent to eSarcasm LLC via e-mail, the entities stated the following:

Your story makes Apple look like an overrated Communist regime. This duplicates the functionality already present in all Apple products and actions, which may lead to user confusion. Plus, we really don’t like you guys. Consider yourselves permanently rejected, suckers.


(Rough translation: “You are very bad man. We block you from Chinese computer. If you come to our nation, we enroll your children in gymnast boot camp.”)

eSarcasm principals JR Raphael and Dan Tynan declined to comment directly on the decision, expressing instead only optimism about the future.

“We will continue to work to bring our services to iPhone users — for example, by taking advantage of advances in pornography peddling,” Tynan explained.

“Hey, you want to go get some nachos?” Raphael added.

The FCC was reportedly going to investigate the eSarcasm banning and whether it involved Apple and China using their dominant positions to stifle innovation. They then, however, read this story (“New FCC ‘S&M Kit’ to Block Sex, Violence From Teens”) and told Dan and JR to go fuck themselves.

The First Reviews Are In!

June 25, 2009

As we grow closer to the beta phase and subsequent public launch of eSarcasm, we decided to give early access to a small group of users to get their initial impressions on the site. We’re delighted to report that the first of those reviews are now in our hands.

“It wasn’t terrible,” wrote Dan Tynan, one of the early previewers. “I’ve seen worse, but I’ve also certainly seen better.”

Other users touted eSarcasm’s “clever use of the lowercase ‘e'” and “coherent writing of often-complete sentences.” Some even touched on the abilities of the site’s award-winning writing staff.

“To be honest with you, I’m not generally a fan of those guys’ work,” wrote JR Raphael, another early previewer. “Still, given their overall lack of writing prowess and numerous other character flaws, the site was far less shitty than I was expecting.”

eSarcasm is tentatively slated to open sometime before Earth and Venus collide. The site is a venture of eSarcasm, LLC, headquartered in Anytown, U.S.A. and backed by Mazzaroni Construction & Cremetoria and Voldemort Vader & Associates.

eSarcasm Now Available in Multiple Languages

June 19, 2009

We at eSarcasm recognize that the Internet is a global community. As part of our mission to become a trusted leader in this diverse online ecosystem, we’re proud to announce that eSarcasm content is now available in multiple languages.

Thanks to an unexpected partnership with the folks at — who were kind enough to take our content, translate it, and repost it on their servers without us even asking — some of our stories are now available in gibberish. Below, for example, is the translation of our recent obituary for the Best Buy associate:

Future Obituary: The Best Buy Associate, 1984 – 2010

Poste par raphael on June 18th, 2009

The statement you are blunt to announce is not verified. It is, howsoever, more rigorous than most things on TechCrunch.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2010 – The Best Buy associate, a devoted impressive blue-shirted curiosity, was spotted in earn the absolute old hat today.

The associate was typically seen scurrying blunt too lit electronics stores during the former two decades, ignoring customers and not answering phones. Youthful in statement associate with, he was recognized nigh his spiky suggestion, annoying goatee, and propensity to employ the word-group: “I’ll be completely cooked with you.”

The Best Buy associate prospered in the mid-90s as the electronics daring boomed in America.

The introduction of the Best Buy airport vending instrument in the media enter upon free 2008 is generally seen as the catalyst of the associate’s demise. He is credited with doing some of his finest cagey maneuvers during that print, racking up log extend times in earn phone-based customers while also keeping lines of irritating in-store shoppers waiting. Shortly after the machine’s unveiling, dependability in managers realized how in all likelihood they could aspect the associate excuse without anyone noticing.

In June of 2009, a series of Best Buy ads attempted to part of the associate as “friendly” and “knowledgeable,” absent and keen to balm people both above the phone and in-person. Sources abort to the essentials give the powwow deliver this see-through mischaracterization was a absolute require on to rejuvenate the associate as his fettle became increasingly genuine. The Best Buy associate was 26 years past.

The associate longing be remembered in earn his single-syllable celebrity – Jim, was it? Or Rick? – as completely cooked as his members to offensive that behemoth wheelie-ladder element into the vicinage the dependability in in earn hours on out of exert oneself with no deceptive utility in identify.

Unfortunately, the courtesy translation service appears to have been taken offline for the moment (it “est suspendu,” according to a notice posted on the site); however, we look forward to continuing to serve our multicultural audience through other venues in the future.

eSarcasm Named ‘Startup to Watch’ For 2009

June 10, 2009

eSarcasm has been named one of 2009’s “746,523 Startups to Watch.” The list, published by Low Standards magazine, selected eSarcasm for its “functioning domain with text on the page,” the report explains.

“We saw that eSarcasm actually had a working URL,” says Low Standards Senior Editor April Schauer. “Then we noticed that there was something there other than a generic GoDaddy landing page.”

The distinction is the latest of several to be bestowed upon eSarcasm during its prebeta development phase. The company was previously listed as a “new company” in Obvious Observation and mentioned as a “semi-legitimate endeavor” by Skeptical Weekly.

“These honors are encouraging as we move forward toward our public launch,” says Dan Tynan, eSarcasm co-founder and senior salt smeller. “We anticipate fabricating many more such achievements in the months to come.”